Thursday, August 5, 2021

THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Do-It-Yourself Country Western Song

(Originally published on March 27, 20010

DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY WESTERN SONG


I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________.
                         (1)           (2)                                      (3)

          1.                                 2.                                   3.
on the highway          in September               that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's              that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun               that burlap bra
at a truck stop           wrestlin' gators             those training pants
on probation              all hunched over          the stolen goods
in a jail cell                poppin' uppers             that plastic nose
in a nightmare           sort of pregnant           the Stassin pin
incognito                   with some joggers        the neon sign
in the Stone Age       stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse           with Merv Griffin          the hearing aid
in a gay bar               dead all over                the boxer shorts



She was ______  _____,
                   (4)        (5)

                   4.                                           5
sobbin' at the toll booth                 in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                        but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies        by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne                   near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie           with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny                    when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail       on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail                   with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                            with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand             with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                         in her muu-muu


and I knew _______.  _______ I'd ______ forever;
                       (6)             (7)              (8)
   
                      6.                                                  7.                                  8.
no guy would ever love her more            I promised her                  stay with her
that she would be an easy score             I knew deep down            warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store       She asked me if             swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore           I told her shrink              change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"               The judge declared          punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore             My Pooh Bear said           live off her
it was a raven, nothing more                    I shrieked in pain             have my rash
we really lost the last World War             The painters knew           stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor          A Klingon said                 hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for            My hamster thought         pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core               The blood test showed     play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor              Her rabbi said                  salivate


She said to me ____.  But who'd have thought she'd _____
                           (9)                                                      (10)

9.                                               10.
our love would never die         run off
there was no other guy           wind up
man wasn't meant to fly           boogie
that Nixon didn't lie                 yodel
her basset hound was shy      sky dive
that Rolaids made her high     turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye       freak out
she loved my one blue eye     blast off
her brother's name was Hy     make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"           black out
that birthdays made her cry    bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie        grovel




___________; _________ goodbye.
         (11)               (12)

           11.                                                 12.
  with my best friend           You'd think at least that she'd have said
  in my Edsel                       I never had the chance to say
  on a surfboard                  She told her fat friend Grace to say
  on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
  with her dentist                 I guess I was too smashed to say
  on her "Workmate"           I watched her melt away and sobbed
  with a robot                       She fell beneath the wheels and cried
  with no clothes on             She sent a hired thug to say
  at her health club              She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
  in her Maytag                    I pushed her off the bridge and waved
  with her guru                     But that's the way that pygmies say
  while in labor                    She sealed me in the vault and smirked

No comments:

Post a Comment