A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by! What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
~~~~~
A stranger was criticizing how I lifted a baby goat above my head, and I was like, “Don’t tell me how to raise my kid.”
~~~~~
Reminder: Unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
~~~~~
How to become a Magician:
1. Own a tablet pen.
2. Put it down for 10 seconds.
3. Abracadabra! Where did it go?
~~~~~
Gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
~~~~~
“Siri, why am I still single?”
- Siri activates the front camera
~~~~~
You better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia
~~~~~
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up. The new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
~~~~~
Say, “rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations. You just said “razor blades” in Australian.
~~~~~
Did it bother anybody else how Simba acted so upset when Mufasa died almost right after he did a choreographed musical number that was called, “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”?
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by! What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
~~~~~
A stranger was criticizing how I lifted a baby goat above my head, and I was like, “Don’t tell me how to raise my kid.”
~~~~~
Reminder: Unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
~~~~~
How to become a Magician:
1. Own a tablet pen.
2. Put it down for 10 seconds.
3. Abracadabra! Where did it go?
~~~~~
Gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
~~~~~
“Siri, why am I still single?”
- Siri activates the front camera
~~~~~
You better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia
~~~~~
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up. The new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
~~~~~
Say, “rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations. You just said “razor blades” in Australian.
~~~~~
Did it bother anybody else how Simba acted so upset when Mufasa died almost right after he did a choreographed musical number that was called, “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”?
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