Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Random Status Updates

After an exhaustive amount of research, I believe I have discovered what women want:

Less interference in their bodily autonomy.
Fewer creeps
More pockets

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One thing that sucks about being a grownup is no longer being able to say, “My Mom said no” when someone wants to come over

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I have a “dry clean only” sweater that is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.

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Has anybody else ever noticed that Dove chocolate tastes WAY better than their soap?

I’m asking for a friend.

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I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
And haikus confused

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Somebody needs to invent a Shazam-type app, but instead of music, it’s for that weird noise your car is making.

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These GPA-looking gas prices are too damn high.  $3.89 is Summa Cum Laude gas. I need me some Academic Probation gas.

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Like Jackie Chan, I do all my own stunts. 


But never intentionally.

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How come women named Deborah often go by Deb, but never by Bruh?


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