Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

When I was a kid, I loved Mad Magazine, and (because I could be a tad... snarky... from time to time) one of my favorite bits was "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions".  Here are a few that I remember:

Q: Did you catch that fish?

A: No, I talked him into giving himself up.A: No, I was sitting here minding my own business when the crazy thing jumped into my pail.A: No, it's a plastic model to get people like you to start fascinating conversations.

Q: (from a woman just pulled over by a police officer) Did I do something wrong, officer?

A: No, today we're giving tickets out for doing things right.A: No, I just got tired of lugging around these heavy summonses so I decided to give some of them away.A: No, I'm giving a ticket to this crazy street because it's going the wrong way.

Q: (from a waiter, to a husband and wife) Table for how many?

A: A hundred and twelve -- we like to           change seats every few minutes.A: One -- my wife will sit on my shoulders.A: I don't know -- I can't count that high, either.

Q: “Is it raining?”

A: “No, I rode home in a water truck.”A: “No I’m practicing to be a water sprinkler.”A: “No, I’m drenched with liquid sunshine.”

Q: Changing a flat tire?

A: No, I just believe in rotating the tires every day out here in the middle of nowhere.A: No, I’m a tire thief.A: No, the car is too high, so I decided to lower it a few inches.

And, a few more...

Q: (After an accident) Have an accident?

A: No, thanks - I just had one.

Q: Is this elevator going down?

A: No, we thought we'd fool everybody and go sideways this time.

Q: Is this elevator going up?

A: No, I'm waiting for my apartment to come down and get me.

Q: Hey, did you get braces?

A: No, I ate a transformer and forgot to floss

Q: (When you're in the bathroom) What are your doing in there?

A: I'm creating a cure for cancer

Q: Are you going out in this rain?

A: No, in the next one.