"Guts" versus "Balls"

(The picture really doesn't have anything to do with the post, but it was so awesome I had to post it)

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

(thanks, Debbie)

Cop No-no's

TOP 16 THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN YOU GET PULLED OVER

16. "Oh yeah? If you knew anything at all, you wouldn’t BE just a traffic cop!"
15. 'No, YOU 'assume the position,' Piggy."
14. "I'm surprised you stopped me! Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!"
13. "If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?"
12. "No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog."
11. "No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110."
10. "Back off Barney, I've got a piece."
9. "Want to race to the station, Sparky?"
8. "I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!"
7. "On the way to the station, what's say we pick us up a six pack?"
6. "You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . you pussy!"
5. "Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!"
4. "Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?"
3. "How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me."
2. "Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?"

and, the Number One Thing NOT To Say When You Get Pulled Over:

1. "So, what do you use those rubber gloves for?"



SOME OTHER STUFF YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

That uniform makes your ass look really big.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

Correct me if I’m wrong. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Cop.

You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Let’s do it different this time... I give YOU the breathalyzer test. Now stick this in your mouth and blow.

Did you happen to attend the "Barney Fife" Police Academy?

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "Cops?"

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Listen bucko, I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

So what IF I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it, Mr. Hotshot?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I will not "turn it down," I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You’re the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, man, you want a hit?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Why you hasslin' us, pig?

You're lucky you have that gun or I'd kick your ass

Oh yeah, I've been here...

I've tried everything to get hits...

(via)

Bush (the Smarter) Story Floors the Big Dog

Things Your Accountant Never Told You About Your Taxes

PART I: INCOME

1. Money you receive by mail is not income, it is mail! If you didn't open the mail you would never find checks that the IRS thinks is income.

2. Income you cannot remember must already have gone out; therefore it is not really income, it is outcome!

3. You should only pay income tax on the income that you still have left at the end of each year. Why should anyone pay income tax on money they no longer have, can't remember where it went, and definitely won't ever see again?


PART II: DEDUCTIONS

1. If you work in your home and have a home office you should declare all spaces that you have brainstormed in.

2. Do not forget to declare all mileage walked to get from any room in your home to your home office. Use the tax mileage table for cars, then multiply by 10 because you are on foot .(Multiply by 12 if you wear Nikes)

3. Be sure to declare your driveway. If you didn't have one you wouldn't have a place for clients to park and you would be out of business.

4. If you watch the news you can deduct your satellite dish, big screen TV, and home theater as educational materials.

5. All rented or purchased videos can be deducted as a private medical expense, as these are needed to help you relax (see Relaxation Therapy, sec 8403a,part iiv, subsection 301-x, Internal IRS Memo). Any mini-series can be declared a seminar if it was shown on a PBS station.

6. All restaurant meals eaten to avoid work are business meals and can be deducted.

7. All clothing that you have worn to work is deductible since going to work nude is against the law. All evening gowns, tuxedos, jewelry and furs are deductible if purchased with a plan to wear at a business party or formal event, plus all mileage to and from the stores from which you made your clothing purchases is considered business mileage and is deductible.

8. Pest control is deductible since the government can not expect you to do business in a bug infested environment.

9. All vacations are 100% deductible if you take a business or trade publication with you or if you watch the evening business news reports at least once each week on TV.

10. All of your children’s clothes are deductible since your children’s ability to create a good impression impacts on your business and career.

11. All plastic surgery, face lifts and fat farm expenses are 100% deductible since everyone knows that the better looking you are, the more money you are likely to make no matter what kind of skills you have.

12. Your phone bill is 100% deductible. Every time your phone rings, you expect (or hope) it is someone calling about making you money for your business, therefore just having a phone is a 100% business expense. Answering machines, on the other hand, fall into the medical equipment category. When you use an answering machine to screen calls it is considered a stress reduction strategy (see Relaxation Therapy, above).

13. Do you have pets? If your pets guard the house then deduct the cost of the most expensive security system on the market. Odds are your dogs, cats, iguanas, even hamsters do a better job than any security system. If your pets offer you love, joy and encouragement, deduct the amount you would have to pay for an escort service or therapy. When you go out to a restaurant and collect the leftovers in a doggy bag, you can declare the doggy bag bits as a full meal equal to the cost of your bill. Think of it as a dinner to go that includes home delivery. Give yourself a tip and declare that too. Many people think of their pets as partners. Set a room aside for your dog (or cat), call him a business partner, the room an office and- bingo! - you just increased your home business deduction by 100% , plus you can deduct his food, his magazine subscriptions, satellite dish, full-body massage, and health(vet)care. Why not? Your dog(cat) is now your partner.

14. Does your computer have a name? Does your computer have memory? Does your computer require endless attention and upkeep? Take the time needed to fill out the paperwork and get your computer a birth certificate, a social security number and a charge card. Now declare your computer as a dependent and if your computer defaults on the charge card, don't let it get another one.

15. Most of us on the Internet have very specific pages we go to for business. You may not have realized it but you can deduct Internet miles. How far is it to your nearest web site? At .31 cents/mile it can become a sizable deduction. If you start a chat room, and spend more than 8 hours a day there - Kristi R. take note! - it qualifies as a home office deduction. If your chat room holds 50 people, it must be at least 3000 square feet, so you figure it out!

16. Until you purchase clothing it is worthless to you and to the store. When you purchase a new suit it becomes valuable, which means clothing increases in value (IRS-speak: appreciates) when purchased. That also means that when you donate clothing to a thrift shop you should claim the full purchase price as the deduction. The thrift store should then sell your used clothes for an above original purchase price, since this clothing has acquired real value, unlike the unsold clothing still on the store rack.

*************************************************
If, despite all the excellent advice given above, you still feel you just can't face another 1040, you may want to consider the new EZ-EZ-EZ form 111 just issued this year by the IRS. It consists of only 3 lines:

A. How much did you make last year? ___________
B. How much do you have left?_______________
C. Send B.

A Note to the Students

The Best Post-Inauguration Picture Yet

Class...

Crass

Rock and Roll, Amy Winehouse!

Midweek Thought...

I often wonder if heaven more like Burger King, where they make your hamburger any way you want it, or Fuddrucker’s, where you get to make your hamburger yourself.

You Know You're Old When...

(Courtesy O'Jonco)

These make my eyes hurt...

How to Create a Spaceship

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore, ergo, ipso facto, it simply does not fall.

As amazing and improbable as it may seem, you have, in fact, just discovered the secret of antigravity. A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about Minus 190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to temperamental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal:

We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laundromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use T-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

Happy Australia Day!

Sort of like the 4th of July here in the States, Australia Day (aka "Anniversary Day," "Foundation Day" and "Invasion Day") commemorates the state of New South Wales becoming a colony of Great Britain.

Australians are the only people on Earth who make Americans look reserved.

A Guide to Australian English

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total bastard”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a bastard”.

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word “mate” can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or “mateship”. Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man will choose a partner who is more attractive than himself………….to mosquitoes.

15. If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It’s considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase “we’ve got a great lifestyle” means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host’s beer. (Don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it).

20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you’d be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase “a simple picnic” is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, you’re not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don’t sit. That’s what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel’s pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one’s ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. There comes a time in every Australian’s life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

29. And, finally, don’t let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says “cobber” to anyone … EVER!

(Kudos to Jonco for this one)

Barack, Paper, Scissors

Crank up the coffee machine - IT'S MONDAY!!!

Aborted scuba trip update...

Sucky weather sort of put the kibosh on our planned scuba trip (and Advanced Class). The winds were over 35 mph out around Anacapa, and the swells were bigger than the boat. So we bailed (and went to Disneyland, instead). Probably just as well, too... since we all partied the night before.

Oh well... next time...

We're off to do the first part of our Advanced Open Water scuba class...

Wish us luck!

And they say pro wrestling is fake! HAH!

One Way to Understand Women

We Apologize for the Outage

(Skipnote: This has been going around for the past few days. Thanks to all who passed it on. All of you. Every... last... one... of... you. Now stop.)

We, the United States of America, your top quality supplier of ideals of democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced November 4. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional from this point forward. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your patience and understanding.

Sincerely,
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Wanna see something *really* scary?

Gah-h-h-h-h!!!



That middle picture is creepy. I think I just saw it move.

I think I've flown with this guy!

Jack's Birthday Dinner

We made our traditional dinner trek to Benihana's last night to celebrate my Youngest Unmarried Son's 14th birthday. I keep wondering, though... why is it these kids seem to be getting older, but I never do? Just thinkin...
(William, the National Bank of Dad, Anna T, the Honorable Birthday Boy and Jonathan)

Hudson River Crash SOLVED!

(thanks, George!)

At LAST! The 2009 Oscar Nominations

BEST PICTURE
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
“The Reader”
“Milk”
“Slumdog Millionaire”
“Frost/Nixon”

BEST DIRECTOR
Gus Van Sant (”Milk”)
Ron Howard (”Frost/Nixon”)
David Fincher (’Benjamin Button’)
Danny Boyle (”Slumdog Millionaire”)
Stephen Daldry (”The Reader”)

BEST ACTRESS
Kate Winslet (”The Reader”)
Angelina Jolie (”Changeling”)
Melissa Leo “(Frozen River”)
Anne Hathaway (”Rachel Getting Married”
Meryl Streep (”Doubt”)

BEST ACTOR
Mickey Rourke (”The Wrestler”)
Brad Pitt (”The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button”)
Sean Penn (”Milk”)
Frank Langella (”Frost/Nixon”)
Richard Jenkins (”The Visitor”)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams (”Doubt”)
Penelope Cruz (”Vicky Cristina Barcelona”)
Viola Davis (”Doubt”)
Marisa Tomei
(”The Wrestler”)
Taraji P Henson (’Benjamin Button’)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Phillip Seymour Hoffman (”Doubt”)
Michael Shannon (”Revolutionary Road”
Robert Downey Jr. (”Tropic Thunder”)
Josh Brolin (”Milk”)
Heath Ledger “(The Dark Knight”)

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
“Waltz With Bashir” (Israel)
“Revanche” (Austria)
“The Class” (France)
“Der Baader Meinhof Komplex” (Germany)
“Departures” (Japan)

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
“Doubt” (Miramax), Written by John Patrick Shanley
“Frost/Nixon” (Universal), Screenplay by Peter Morgan
“The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), Screenplay by David Hare
“Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
“Frozen River” (Sony Pictures Classics), Written by Courtney Hunt
“Happy-Go-Lucky” (Miramax), Written by Mike Leigh
“In Bruges” (Focus Features), Written by Martin McDonagh
“Milk” (Focus Features), Written by Dustin Lance Black
“WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
“Changeling” (Universal), Tom Stern
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Claudio Miranda
“The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Wally Pfister
“The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), Chris Menges and Roger Deakins
“Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Anthony Dod Mantle

BEST EDITING
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
“The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Lee Smith
“Frost/Nixon” (Universal), Mike Hill and Dan Hanley
“Milk” (Focus Features), Elliot Graham
“Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Chris Dickens

BEST SCORE
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.),Alexandre Desplat
“Defiance” (Paramount Vantage), James Newton Howard
“Milk” (Focus Features), Danny Elfman
“Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), A.R. Rahman
“WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Thomas Newman

BEST ART DIRECTION
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
“Changeling”
“The Duchess”
“Revolutionary Road”
“The Dark Knight”

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
“Australia” (20th Century Fox), Catherine Martin
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Jacqueline West
“The Duchess” (Paramount Vantage, Pathé and BBC Films), Michael O’Connor
“Milk” (Focus Features), Danny Glicker
“Revolutionary Road”

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
“Down to Earth” from “WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Music by Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman, Lyric by Peter Gabriel
“Jai Ho” from “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyric by Gulzar
“O Saya” from “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Music and Lyric by A.R. Rahman andMaya Arulpragasam

BEST ANIMATED FILM
“Wall-E”
“Bolt”
“Kung Fu Panda”

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
“The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)” (Cinema Guild), A Pandinlao Films Production, Ellen Kuras and Thavisouk Phrasavath
“Encounters at the End of the World” (THINKFilm and Image Entertainment), A Creative Differences Production, Werner Herzog and Henry Kaiser
“The Garden” A Black Valley Films Production, Scott Hamilton Kennedy
“Man on Wire” (Magnolia Pictures), A Wall to Wall Production, James Marsh and Simon Chinn
“Trouble the Water” (Zeitgeist Films), An Elsewhere Films Production, Tia Lessin and Carl

BEST MAKEUP
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Greg Cannom
“The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O’Sullivan
“Hellboy II: The Golden Army” (Universal), Mike Elizalde and Thom Floutz

BEST ANIMATED SHORT
“La Maison en Petits Cubes” A Robot Communications Production, Kunio Kato
“Lavatory - Lovestory” A Melnitsa Animation Studio and CTB Film Company Production, Konstantin Bronzit
“Oktapodi” (Talantis Films) A Gobelins, L’école de l’image Production, Emud Mokhberi and Thierry Marchand
“Presto” (Walt Disney) A Pixar Animation Studios Production, Doug Sweetland
“This Way Up”, A Nexus Production, Alan Smith and Adam Foulkes

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT
“Auf der Strecke (On the Line)” (Hamburg Shortfilmagency), An Academy of Media Arts Cologne Production, Reto Caffi
“Manon on the Asphalt” (La Luna Productions), A La Luna Production, Elizabeth Marre and Olivier Pont
“New Boy” (Network Ireland Television), A Zanzibar Films Production, Steph Green and Tamara Anghie
“The Pig” An M & M Production, Tivi Magnusson and Dorte Høgh
“Spielzeugland (Toyland)” A Mephisto Film Production, Jochen Alexander Freydank

BEST SOUNDS EDITING
“The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Richard King
“Iron Man” (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), Frank Eulner and Christopher Boyes
“Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Tom Sayers
“WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Ben Burtt and Matthew Wood
“Wanted” (Universal),Wylie Stateman

BEST SOUND EDITING
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Mark Weingarten
“The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick
“Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke and Resul Pookutty
“WALL-E” (Walt Disney),Tom Myers, Michael Semanick and Ben Burtt
“Wanted” (Universal), Chris Jenkins, Frank A. Montaño and Petr Forejt

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron
“The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Tim Webber and Paul Franklin
“Iron Man” (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan

At last, a non-cute cat video

(tip O'the digital hat to Debb for this one)

(There's sort of a theme to today's posts)

At last, something I actually DO know a little bit about!

Ask, and Ye Shall Receive… For Less
(from Maxim Magazine, June 1998)
by Jim Thornton

Whether it’s drugs, pizza, furniture, or hospital bills, Maxim found that any schmuck can con himself a sweet discount.

During a recent visit to Mexico, my entire outlook on financial transactions changed radically. South of the border, only fools pay the asking price for anything; in the U.S., you’re considered an aggressive panhandler if you so much as look askance at a price tag.

But the truth is, you can cut yourself a sweet deal almost anytime an open wallet is involved—if you master the right approach. To prove it, I ventured out into the world and spent the better part of a month applying bargaining strategies to situations, both large and small, where there was an opportunity to walk away with some spare change. If I could finagle a discount on my daily purchases, I reasoned, it would be like getting a 5 to 15 percent raise for the rest of my life. Here’s what happened.

Starbucks

This place is my crack house. I go there every morning. Recently my wife calculated what I was spending there and firmly suggested that I drink my coffee at home. So I paid the store manager a visit at 2:30 in the afternoon, when there would be virtually no customers who might overhear me asking for special treatment. Cutting a bargain, I’ve learned, is a bit like a wolf regurgitating meat—you don’t want a bunch of hungry pack mates standing around when you do it.

Me: I come in here every day and spend about four dollars. So that’s like over $1,000 a year. My wife’s been telling me to make coffee at home, and I’m wondering if there’s any chance I could get a little break?

Ken (the manager): Do you get your coffee for here or to go?

Me: I usually get one here and pay for a refill to go.

Ken: Tell you what, I won’t charge you for your refill.

Bottom line: Unbelievable! I just saved 50¢ a day until the Grim Reaper takes my latte away. Like the old good-cop-bad-cop routine, shameless praise followed by an implied threat to cut off your business proves irresistible to most merchants.

Johnny’s Pizza

There’s a ma-and-pa pizzeria in my town where I often go to get fat and loaded. The prices are pretty good. But if I promised to buy pies and brew in bulk, would they get even better?

Me: I’m a big fan of your pizza and come here all the time. My swim team would love to eat here, but we’re on a tight budget. We’ve been buying a couple six-packs and takeout pizzas after practice and just going to this one guy’s house.

Carl (the owner): How many of y’unz are there?

Me: I’d say maybe eight.

Carl: OK. I’ll take care of you.

Me: Could you give us imported beer for the price of American rotgut?

Carl: Well, the LCB [Liquor Control Board] is on my ass.

Me: It’s just that we can buy a case of import so much cheaper, take it to this guy’s house...

Carl: OK, I’ll take care of you. You won’t find a better deal.

Bottom line: Carl proved true to his word. We got four pitchers of Molson, a round of Guinness pints, 46 slices of Sicilian meat-happy pizza, chicken wings, and two Cokes for $49—$23 off the regular price. By subtly pointing out that eight customers are better than none, you can generally foster a win-win situation.

Prescription drugs

I recently picked up some sort of urogenital infection, and the doctor prescribed these expensive antibiotics—two dollars a pill—which I had to take daily for three months. My health insurance is terrible, and I have to pay for most medicine out-of-pocket. I’d gone to a Super Kmart for years because it had the lowest prices, but a Wal-Mart had just opened up.

I called the Wal-Mart pharmacy and wasn’t too surprised to find I could get a month’s supply of VD bullets for $25 less. I then called the Super Kmart guy and told him what I’d found out. He said he’d get back to me. He did—that afternoon.

Bottom line: Do what girls have always done in the presence of two suitors: Tell them about each other, then step back and see what happens. Super K matched Wal-Mart’s price and threw in a five dollar coupon. The price of illicit love just got cheaper.

Books

A Barnes & Noble recently opened near my house, and I knew it already gave pretty good discounts. But as Edward G. Robinson once so eloquently put it, I wanted “more, that’s right, I want more.”

With about 10 books in hand, I approached the store manager and requested a price break. She said no but then asked if I knew about their corporate discount plan. By signing up, I could get an additional 20 percent off anytime I spent at least $25.

Me: But I’m not a corporation.

Her: That’s OK. You just have to bring in some evidence that you actually have a business.

Me: Evidence? Like what?

Her: A business credit card, a company brochure, even a regular business card.

Bottom line: Businesses know that if you get a good deal, you’ll spread the word at work. Which is why Joe Schmoe has far less negotiating clout than Joe Schmoe Amalgamated Enterprises. And it’s not just bookstores: Many hotels, stationery stores, car rentals, and even some restaurants play by these rules. As for me, I thanked the manager, ran over to OfficeMax, had some cheap business cards printed up (at the corporate rate), and returned to B&N. Jim Thornton Enterprises has been reaping the savings ever since.

Haircut

In 1991, my wife bought one of those electric hair buzzers at Kmart for six dollars and has been giving me crew cuts with it ever since. The unit cost per haircut: 17¢. Seeking a new look, I visited a local chop shop. But the price was $25.

Me: My wife cuts my hair for 17¢. Would you consider doing it for a quarter?

Gary (the owner): No.

Me: How about $10?

Gary: I couldn’t get you in and out of my chair in less than 15 minutes. Tell you what, 15 minutes, 15 bucks.

Me: With my hair, I think you could do it in five minutes. What if you tried to set a land speed record? How much would three minutes of your time be? Three minutes, three bucks?

Gary: Can’t do it. But if you wanted to be a hair model, I could have one of my junior designers cut you for $10.

Me: Kind of like having a resident do your hernia surgery?

Gary: Exactly. You’re overseen by the surgeon, you know the end result will be fine, and you’re offering us a valuable opportunity to train our staff.

Bottom line: Think creatively about what the business needs. Give it to them and they’ll do right by you. Gary did me right with a 60 percent savings. (Note: His $10 still represents a nearly 5,900 percent increase over what I’m used to paying.)

Magazine subscriptions

For six months I’d been getting those URGENT—OPEN IMMEDIATELY! messages from Newsweek magazine. They implored me to renew my subscription, warning that the price would never, ever be lower. A week before the expiration date, I called up Newsweek customer service.

Her: How can I help you?

Me: I’m a longtime Newsweek subscriber. I love the magazine, but I’m kinda strapped this year, and I’m wondering if I could get a little break this time?

Her: Last year you paid $41.34. I know there’s an offer out there for $24. Want to do that?

Me: [thrilled but cool] Is there a two-year deal?

Her: I don’t know if you can get that price...

Me: What if I charge it over the phone right now?

Her: I think we can do that.

Bottom line: From a magazine’s point of view, it’s better to lock in the deal even at a discount than to keep sending you mailings. I saved $17.34, or 42 percent, on the already “discounted” price.

Hernia surgery

Having hernia surgery is a bit like being bayoneted in the groin. And the bill that comes afterward is a bit like a Spanish twist with the bayonet. Still agonizing in my sickbed, I got a bill for $900. Two weeks later I made an appointment to see the hospital administrator in charge of billing, got dressed up, and limped in to ask for some help.

Me: [after much friendliness, complimenting of the promising young med student who gored me, etc.] I know that hospitals aren’t having the easiest time of it these days, and I’ve read that people with health insurance often end up subsidizing indigents, but my problem is that I’m sort of in the middle. I’ve got insurance, but it’s not very good. Is there any chance that you could give me a break on this $900 charge?

Administrator: Do you think you could pay $700?

Bottom line: Hospitals get stiffed so often by patients without insurance that if you offer to make a good-faith payment, odds are they’ll snap at it.

Great chair

I have a bad back, and for years I’ve been meaning to buy a comfortable “back chair.” Finally I got off my ass and made the rounds to the various chair emporiums, eventually zeroing in on the superstores. Staples was the first to hear my pitch.

Me: I love your store! I bought two computers here, my father bought two computers here—we love you! I want to make this the only place I go for office stuff for the rest of my life! [Then I started in on the chair.]

Salesman: I’m sorry, sir. Even if you bought 1,000 chairs, the unit price would be the same.

Me: Well, what about this gash in the floor demo? Would you sell this one at a discount because of that gash?

Salesman: Sir, I’m not sure what “gash” you’re referring to, but we can’t sell the demo cheaper.

Me: What if I bought the demo at the regular price, so at least I wouldn’t have to assemble it?

Salesman: Sir, we don’t sell the floor models, because we have to pay to have them assembled. [So I tried my luck at OfficeMax.]

Me: [I deliver my by-now-well-rehearsed three-minute sequence of shameless flattery, proof of customer loyalty, and citation of all the business I’ve sent the salesman’s way.]

Store manager: We’re glad you feel that way!

Me: I’m wondering if I might qualify for a tiny discount?

Bottom line: Qualify I did. With my new Jim Thornton Enterprises corporate card, I got 20 percent off the price, plus the in-store sales rep gave me a coupon that knocked off another $20; and because I ordered the chair via the chain’s 800 number (the manager’s recommendation), delivery was free. Some salesmen will work with you; some salesmen won’t. When you’re comparison-shopping, you’re not only looking for a better price, you’re looking for a better salesman.

Can you haggle with Ronald McDonald?

I’d done well in my bargaining endeavors. So well that I decided to put myself to the ultimate test: Could I cut a deal on a Big Mac? In retrospect, I probably should have shaved.

I timed my arrival for 11 A.M., early enough to guarantee there’d be no crowds. I must admit I was hoping for some give-and-take with a saucy little burger chick who would so admire my chutzpa that she’d buy me a Big Mac out of her $5.15-an-hour wages.

“Hi,” I said to the elderly burger matron who took my order. “How much is a Big Mac?”

“$2.09,” she said pertly.

“Could I get it a little cheaper?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the Burger King across the street is selling Big Kings for 99¢.” Before she could reply, the manager swooped down.

“What is it you want, sir?” she said.

When I told her I wanted a discount, she asked me why. I explained that it was to save money. She looked at me as if I had just proposed defecating in the French fry oil. Then she shook her head wickedly.

“OK, OK,” I said, knowing I was losing her. “Do you have a Big Mac that fell on the floor? Could I get a discount on one that fell on the floor?”
A small knot of customers had begun to gather.

“I think you’d better leave now,” the manager said. “Or I’ll call the police.”

“You’re joking,” I said. She started moving to the phone; I started moving to my car.

At last, a magazine for married men

(via)

The First 100 minutes of the Obama Presidency

(from Mad Magazine)

The Inauguration - From SPACE!

The all that brown dust on the Ellipse between the Washington Monument and the White House? That ain't dust...

Why Men Shouldn't Own Action Figures

(thanks, Debb!)

Eye Test

Instructions:

(1) Click on these two images
(2) Have the aspirin handy

With the addition of the wheelchair and fedora, Dick Cheney completes his transition to a Bond Villain

Top Photo of the Year (so far)

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump - watch more funny videos

(via)

At LAST...

Obama's inauguration was a little different than that of George W. Bush's

And now, in the spirit of non-partisanship cooperation...

Happy Birthday, Jack!

Yeah, yeah, I know.. Inauguration, inauguration, inauguration, Fresh Start, Hope, Bush being frog-marched off to jail, blah, blah blah. I'm as excited about all that as anyone. But the REAL reason to celebrate, troops, is that my Youngest Unmarried Son, the Apple of My Eye and the Final Fruit of My Loins...

Jack Tucker Turns 14 Today!
(cue fanfare)

Jackie, I leave you with the sage advice given to me by my father when *I* turned onescore minus six:

Forget about the Past, you can't change it.
Forget About the Future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the Present, I didn't buy you one.

Happy birthday, Beamer. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow.

Great Moments In Presidential Speeches Compilation

I'm thinkin' this would freak me out...

(Thanks, Jack!)

Letterman's Top 10 Bush Moments

Hmmm, I never noticed that before...

Just a thought...

I've always wanted to go up to a one-eyed person and say,

"So, did you at least enjoy the 'fun-and-games' part?"

It's possible...

I was in Hollywood this afternoon....

...Man, I love this town!

Firefly proves that "Darn" is more badass than "This... is... Spart-a-aa!!"

I'd forgotten how funny Steven Wright was (is?)

Is he still around?

Quotes From Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and................. o-o-o-h-h, that's much better.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was an only child, eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below it that said “Self Service.” So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Then I don’t want to work for you.”

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My school colors were clear. “No, I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

Last year we drove across the country... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."

I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.

One night when I was a fetus, I sneaked-out...

I went to the store to buy some instant water, but I didn't know what to add to it.

If Miles Davis had been born in Europe, would his name have been Kilometers Davis?

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

My school colors were "clear".

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No". She said, "Okay, then forget it."

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

As of This Minute, The Bush Administration Has Effectively Ended

It's 5:00 PM in the Eastern time zone, which includes Washington DC. 5:00 PM is the standard end of the workday. It's Friday, the end of the week. Monday is a federal holiday, so the mass of federal employees will not be working. On Tuesday President-elect Barack Obama will become President Barack Obama, our nation's 44th president.

Some White House staff will be kept on for the next few days. Certainly in the defense, foreign policy and domestic security areas there are Bush appointees who will--and should--remain on call or at their desks between now and Tuesday. The could still be some late-night activities happening with some of the legal staff. But in terms of devising, implementing and enforcing policies, as of this moment, the Bush administration is effectively over.

It was exhausting, it was most of the time maddening, infuriating and often embarrassing and even shameful for our government to be led by George W. Bush and his administration. But we have endured. The country is damaged, but not destroyed. President Obama and the Democratic people, the massive and professional civil service, and especially the American people have a great deal of work and struggle before us to restore our country's honor, prestige, respect, security, prosperity and opportunity.

We're all up to that challenge. But before we embark on that, let's let out a sigh of relief, and if you're inclined, now or later tonight, raise your glass and toast to the effective end of the administration and presidency of George W. Bush.

(via Daily Kos)

Take Me to Your Leader

(via)

If you laugh at this, you're going to the Special Hell, part deux

CNN's Rick Sanchez does a smackdown of "Joe the Plumber"

Big Frak Party at my house tonight!

You're all invited! Bring stuff!

(If you don't know what a Frak party is, never mind)

Sean Connery wants to play a Bond Villain

It has been 25 years since he ordered a martini, shaken, not stirred.

But Sean Connery, who played James Bond in seven of the classic spy movies, has a sudden taste for a comeback - as a villain.

Preliminary discussions are said to have taken place between the 77-year-old actor and Bond producers since Daniel Craig reinvigorated the 007 role two years ago with Casino Royale.

But it would take an exceptional pay-cheque to lure Connery, who usually commands £10million a film, out of retirement.

He first played Bond in 1962's Dr No, followed by From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever then Never Say Never Again in 1983.

"I wouldn't mind coming back as a Bond villain," he said. "But I don't think they would pay me enough money."

The actor who played Ian Fleming's agent on screen seven times, says he has been so impressed by Daniel Craig's debut that he wants to be pitched against him.

(Read more here)

Just a thought...

Tomorrow (Friday), at 5:00 AM, Pacific Standard Time, we will be down to the last 100 hours of the George W(tf) Bush Presidency.

The Greatest Put-Down in the History of Everything

“I think… no, I am positive… that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we’ve been together, you have demonstrated EVERY loathsome characteristic of the male personality, and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you’re morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. You’re not even interesting enough to make me sick.”

Spoken by Cher to Jack Nicholson in The Witches of Eastwick.

My least favorite day of the week....

is Tuesday.

Monday - you're rested up from the weekend, everything's fresh.

Wednesday is Hump Day - you're halfway home!

Friday, of course, takes care of itself. It's frikkin' FRIDAY, for Heaven's sake!

Thursday, though, is my absolute favorite day of the week, because then you can say "Tomorrow's Friday!"

Tuesday just sits there. You're in the week, but not even halfway through. Tuesdays suck.

Except this coming Tuesday. This coming Tuesday should be an International holiday!

Points of View

Job Seekers?

Okay, this might work...


SYDNEY (AFP) – An Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.

The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.

In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, snorkel the reef, take care of "a few minor tasks" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.

The successful applicant, who will stay rent-free in a three-bedroom beach home complete with plunge pool and golf buggy, must be a good swimmer, excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English.

"They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy and they'll have to love the sea, the sun, the outdoors," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas.

"The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world."

Lucas said the campaign was part of a drive to protect the state's 18 billion Australian dollar a year tourism industry during the tough economic climate caused by the global financial meltdown.

"Traditional tourism advertising just doesn't cut it sometimes and we are thinking outside the box by launching this campaign."

Queensland Tourism Minister Desley Boyle said some people might question whether it was risky to let an unknown person become an unofficial tourism spokesperson for the state.

"I think the biggest risk will be that the successful candidate won't want to go home at the end of the six months," she said.

"This is a legitimate job which is open to anyone and everyone."

Applications are open until February 22. Eleven shortlisted candidates will be flown to Hamilton Island in early May for the final selection process and the six month contract will commence on July 1.

Job-seekers can apply by clicking here.

(via YahooNews.com)

Hey, check out what *I* got in the mail...

It looks legit.

Now all I've got to do is find some place to stay in the DC area (along with 2 million+ other people) and get a flight to and from. Duck soup.

UPDATE: Well, with hotel rooms going for $850 and up and airfare right around $1300, I believe I'm going to frame this puppy and watch the inauguration on television!

Yeah, we misunderestimated you...

As of this posting, we have seven days, two hours, 49 minutes and 17 seconds left with Georgie and Friends. Then we're all going to have to start LOOKING for comedic material.

Happy Monday, y'all....

What About Gay Marriage?

(via the lovely Miss C)

A little Olde British Humour

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, Frenchwoman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma'am, may I have that seat?”

The Frenchwoman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude!” And then to the Marine, “My little Fifi is using that seat!”

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!”

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Whaddya think...?

I'm thinking of starting up a coffee house named Skip's Addicts, where our signature drink will be a fine blend of nicotine, ephedra and chocolate. The first cup will be free.

Just got back from Catalina

Awesome 5-dive trip off of Casino Point. We saw tons of sea life, including a sea lion and a bat ray. Now back to work (and school). Sigh...

The First 10 Minutes of the Obama Presidency

Click on pic for quick kick
(Hey, it took me an hour to come up with that. Quit groaning)

If you laugh at this, you're going to the Special Hell

California Screamin'

(Skipnote: I love this picture)

From Wikipedia:

California SCREAMIN' is a steel roller coaster at Disney's California Adventure theme park.

History

The white-by-day/glowing blue-by-night boardwalk-themed coaster was designed by Walt Disney Imagineering, and was built by Intamin AG. California SCREAMIN' is the 6th longest roller coaster in the world (2nd longest steel coaster in the United States), at 6,072 feet (1,850 m) long. It is also the longest ride to go up-side down(since the loop has been removed from the 7000' + Son of Beast). Its highest point is 120 feet (37 m) tall (36.5 m) followed by a 108-foot (33 m) drop. The design is such that it resembles a wooden coaster, despite clearly being a steel coaster.

This coaster is more uncommon than most, as it uses Linear Induction Motors (LIMs), to launch the train up the first hill, replacing the traditional lift hill chain. The seaside launch ramp also sports a wave-machine that allows waves to crash alongside the rock base of the ramp as well as crashing up onto the trains before launch. This coaster is one of Disney's fastest attractions, accelerating guests from zero to 55 miles per hour (88.5 km/h) in four seconds at the launch, and like Space Mountain and Rock 'n' Roller Coaster the roller coaster is set to music. California SCREAMIN' is the only inverting ride in the Disneyland Resort. This attraction offers both FASTPASS and Single Rider entrances. Disney has also announced that California Screamin' will continue to operate as part of the 3 billion dollar rennovation of the park.

Attraction facts

* Restraint System: Over-the-Shoulder Restraints (OTSRs)
* Vehicles: 5 - 24 person trains (Red, Yellow, Orange, Blue, and Purple)/2 - 23 Person trains (Both Green)
* Max trains on track: (2001) 6/(2002-Present) 5
* Length: 6,072 feet (1,851 m) (1,850 m)
* Linear Induction Motors Launch length: 215 feet (65.5 m)
* Largest hill/drop: 120 feet/108 feet (36.5 m/33 m)
* Inversions: 1 (Train loops around giant silhouette head of Mickey Mouse)
* Brake Zones: 12
* Top speed: 55 mph (89 km/h) (88.5 km/h)
* Ride duration: 2:36
* Max acceleration: 0 - 55 mph (88.5 km/h) in 4.5 seconds

Additional facts

* California SCREAMIN' contains over 36 miles (58 km) of electrical wire, and 167 miles (268 km) of individual conductors.
* It took 5.8 million pounds (2.6 million kg) of steel to build California SCREAMIN'.
* There are 11.5 million pounds (5.2 million kg) of concrete in the foundations and the "deepest" foundation is a deep pile of 48 feet (14 m).
* Because Disney's California Adventure is located within a residential zone and must adhere to certain noise restriction guidelines, special "scream" tubes were designed for California SCREAMIN' to prevent all the hollering from being blast across Anaheim during those thrill portions of the ride that are sure to elicit such a reaction.
* The ride's name is an obvious nod to the song California Dreamin'

When It's Okay to Drop an F-Bomb, 1st 2009 Edition

CDO

GEEK ALERT - Kirk vs. Picard vs. Kirk

THE TOP 42 REASONS WHY CAPTAIN KIRK IS BETTER THAN CAPTAIN PICARD

42. One Word: Hair.
41. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
40. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
39. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
38. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
37. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
36. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
35. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
34. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
33. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
32. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
31. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
30. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
29. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
28. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
27. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
26. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busybody named after a letter of the alphabet.
25. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
24. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
23. Picard never met Joan Collins.
22 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
21. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
20. Kirk knows how to deal with peace-loving hippy goofs.
19. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
18. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he only asks Spock.
17. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
16. One Word: Fisticuffs.
15. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
14. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
13. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
12. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
11. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
10. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
9. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
8. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
7. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
6. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
5. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
4. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
3. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick



THE 25 TOP REASONS WHY PICARD IS BETTER THAN KIRK

25. When Picard marries a couple, he doesn't lose the groom in battle.
24. Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard.
23. Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus & kicked their butts.
22. Kirk never met a female alien he didn't like...
21. Kirk bested an old, tired-ass has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested an omnipotent being
several times.
20. Picard can be vulnerable with women.
19. Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you've got a holodeck).
18. Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.
17. Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council.
16. Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs.
15. Picard became a Borg.
14. Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn't need spectacles to read it.
13. Picard can fence.
12. Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does.
11. Picard is a wine connoisseur.
10. Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons of the first series.
9. Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake him out for an entire
episode.
8. Picard didn't let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his ship while sticking him
in her body.
7. Picard hasn't EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of furry hairballs which
reproduce.
6. Picard doesn't lose as many red shirts.
5. Picard has killed Klingons in hand to hand combat on several different occasions.
4. Picard takes the Prime Directive seriously.
3. Picard can swear in Klingon.
2. Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the bowels of the ship.
1. Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self control.


101 MORE REASONS WHY CAPTAIN PICARD IS BETTER THAN CAPTAIN KIRK.

101. Two Words: better voice.
100. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.
99. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.
98. Picard fire both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.
97. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.
96. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console
them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.
95. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in
her presence, yet still managed to make her fall for him.
94. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.
93. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.
92. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.
91. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.
90. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
89. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
88. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has kept Worf for seven years.
87. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
86. Two words: better actor.
85. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
84. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and all of humanity while
still a lowly captain.
83. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not saying much.
82. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
81. Picard's crew gambles.
80. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.
79. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
78. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
77. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.
76. No cheesy sideburns. 'Nuff said.
75. Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a former captain anywhere.
74. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet Headquarters. Kirk’s name
is an anathema to Starfleet Headquarters and alien races alike.
73. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he
MEANS it.
72. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other
Starfleet vessels.
71. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
70. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
69. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured
extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
68. Picard has never been demoted.
67. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
66. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
65. Picard has never encountered aliens from weird planets like "Zatar."
64. Picard's quarters have a window.
63. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
62. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.
61. Picard is a caffeine addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)
60. One word: Leadership.
59. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.
58. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose commander was Christopher
Lloyd.
57. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who once made a career out of
selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.
56. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without equipment and rely on an
overweight first officer with rocket boots to save him.
55. Picard would never stand for playing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" around a campfire.
54. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.
53. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.
52. When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching and caring about.
51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.
50. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about with 17th century
weaponry.
49. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.
48. If poor judgment were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.
47. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting on a face which only
made things worse.
46. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic squabbles.
45. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.
44. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
43. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
42. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)
41. Picard has hair on his chest.
40. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.
39. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view
at all times.
38. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.
37. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets
drunk, he passes out.
36. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
35. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
34. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.
33. Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.
32. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
31. Picard has never been bitten by a Mugatto, nor has he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires
aboard his ship, either.
30. Picard has never aged prematurely.
29. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
28. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
27. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
26. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off
in front of the entire Federation assembly.
25. When Picard talks, people listen.
24. If Picard were a late-night talk show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night
talk show host, he'd be Chevy Chase.
23. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."
22. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.
21. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.
20. Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.
19. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what
technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
18. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was
controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
17. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a Gorn.
16. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
15. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the
Klingons.
14. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.
13. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it took Kirk.
12. Three words: Better costume variety.
11. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to
get other cultures to respect him.
10. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.
9. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."
8. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.
7. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures & has done so on a number of occasions.
6. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).
5. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
4. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
3. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta be the shoes...
2. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
1. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.

Q: How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

A: Whereas the Party of the First Part, also known as "Lawyer", and the Party of the Second Part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the Party of the Second Part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the Party of the Second Part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The Party of the First Part (Lawyer) shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a
chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the Party of the Second Part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the Party of the Second
Part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,
this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the Party of the
Second Part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from
the Party of the Third Part ("Receptacle"), the Party
of the First Part (Lawyer) shall have the option of
disposing of the Party of the Second Part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved,
the Party of the First Part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of beginning installation of the Party of the
Fourth Part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation
shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse
of the procedures described in step one of this self-
same document, being likewise careful to note that
the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction,
this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the Party of the First Part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Party of the Fifth Part, also known as "Partnership."

Australians....

...the only people in the world who make Americans look reserved...

If You Don't Know Us By Now...

In a sick, twisted way, I'm sort of going to miss ol' Smirky the Wonder Chimp

A Collection of Bushisms

• "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." — September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

• "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" — January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

• "They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander in chief, too." — Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.

• "There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." — Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.

• "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." — April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.

• "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." — April 18, 2002, at the White House.

• "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." — Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

• "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." — Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

• "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." — Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

• "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." — April 20, 2005, in Washington.

• "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." — Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.

• "I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." — Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

• "It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." — June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

• "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." — Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

• "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." — June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

• "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." — September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.

• "Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict XVI to the White House.

• "The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." — May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

• "And they have no disregard for human life." — July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.

• "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." — June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.

• "Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." — July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

• "The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer — prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them. It's good to come down here." — Sept. 3, 2008, at an emergency operations center in Baton Rouge, La., after Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast.

• "This thaw — took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.
(via)

Successfully Understanding the British

-A Guide for American Visitors-

Vocabulary:

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies," so you should say, for instance, "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in, you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged.

Habits:

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks do not work there, due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand.

Universities:

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence, patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know," for the rules are, of course, unwritten. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way, people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food:

British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

Transportation:

Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your thruppence (the heavy, gold-colored coins are pence), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Kindly take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").

For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fein (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travelers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fein stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.

Size doesn’t matter. It’s like they say, it's not the size of the boat, it's the length of the mast divided by the surface area of the mainsail and then subtracted from the circumference of the bilge pump. Or something to that effect, anyway.

A Handy Metric Conversion Guide

(via)

In just two weeks and a few hours....

George W(tf) Bush will step down and hand the reins of office of the President of the United States to Barack Hussein Obama.

With as much charity, compassion and empathetic feelings available to me, let me just say,

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, George."



As of this posting, there are 14 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes and some odd seconds to go (check the counter at the bottom of this page for an update)

The Wall Mart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

It's odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?"

Happy Birthday, Penny and Scooter!

My little sister Penny is celebrating her birthday today (that's her between me and sister Melody. She doesn't look like this any more)

...as is my good friend Scooter over in the United Kingdom (She looks exactly like this. The Guinness sort of gives it away.)

Now, while both of these fine ladies are younger than me (not by much, mind you), they're both getting to the point where they can enjoy...

- The Perks of Getting Old -

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Happy First Sunday of the Year

Trouble up North...

(Thanks, Barridawn)

Irony

1. Online pop-ups offering to help you get rid of online pop-ups advertisements.

2. When your Seeing Eye dog goes blind.

3. Needing to pay someone to help you pay your taxes.

4. That Valentine's Day was placed in February, just in case single people who have recovered from the loneliness that Christmas and New Year's Eve induced.

5. That even the fanciest restaurants suffer from pest-control problems.

6. Wondering who was rude enough to leave an empty roll of toilet paper and then remembering it was you.

7. Tipping the bartender for handing you a bottle of beer, but giving nothing to the guy who pumps your gas in the pouring rain.

8. That we judge balding men by the choices they make in coping with their baldness.

9. That finding your roach traps empty only adds to your fear that they don't work, instead of reassuring you that you don't have roaches anymore.

10. That all good things come to an end, but some mediocre things seem to last a very long time.

11. When you wish, as you blow out the candles, is that this be the last birthday you spend with the people around you.

12. Cults that build up huge arsenals, refuse to pay taxes, and complain that the FBI is watching over them.

13. People who refuse to see a psychologist because they don't need to pay someone to help them out with their issues, but will gladly spend $100 a week at a tanning salon.

14. What most telescopes are used for.

15. When your fear of overpacking causes you to underpack.

16. Paying a toll to cross a bridge when you know you're going in the wrong direction.

17. The fact that many old people are forced to live out the remainder of their lives in formerly good neighborhoods.

18. Paying three bucks for a cup of soda that's 70 percent ice.

19. That the most intense laughter you have usually comes at the least appropriate time.

20. Wondering if you are entitled to the deep sense of loss you feel when a celebrity you admire dies.

21. That you wouldn't have the faintest idea if your accountant was ripping you off.

Things You Miss When You Don't Go to Church

I *hate* when this happens...

And the year's just getting STARTED....

Jeff Spicoli LIVES!

Happy New Year, Troops!

(thanks, Jonco)