Donny & Marie Star Wars

This is so incredibly bad, I don’t know where to begin. Kris Kristofferson is Han Solo and REDD FOXX as Obi Wan? Oh, the humanity!



(via)

In the "I-Hate-When-This-Happens" Department...

In the "I-Want-Me-One-Of-These" Department

A gas-powered La-Z-Boy


Thanks, Billy!

The Conductor

The world's best and most famous Conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said, "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class Conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his Manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't," his Manager said, "you're not retiring."

Forced backed to work by his Manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small handgun?" "Yes dear," she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the Conductor began with the pistol concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said, "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This has been my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted, "You can't be serious!" At this point, the Conductor whipped out his handgun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the Conductor was taken away.

Days later, the Conductor was taken to court. Looking down on the man, the Judge asked, "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" The Conductor answered immediately, "Guilty, your Honor!" The Judge added, "Do you realize that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" The Conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your Honor" he replied

At his execution site, the Conductor was strapped into the electric chair. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The Conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

The Conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his Manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work," his Manager said.

More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked, "Dear, could you get me a hand grenade?" "Yes dear," she replied.

At his next performance, the Conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly into his underwear. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. The Conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?” the Judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The Conductor shrugged. So the Judge said, "Okay, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty on all counts," the Conductor replied.

This time, the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair. The room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realized when the Conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His Manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on, and the Conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear," she replied.

It was all too much for the Conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190-odd musicians. The Army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"You again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!" the Judge roared. The Conductor just shrugged.

"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the Conductor screamed. "They all deserved it!" The Conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. The building was completely vacated, and the chair was activated by remote control, some two miles away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the Conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the Conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked, "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before", he said.

“I'm just a bad Conductor."

Scuba Diving and a Coup d'etat

After six glorious days and 19 dives (including two wreck dives, two night dives and a shark dive), the Honduran military was gracious enough to wait until today - the day I leave - to stage their Coup d'etat. I didn't see any military presence on Roatan, but some people at the airport were saying that there had been a lot of soldiers and equipment that came in early this morning. But there was absolutely no panic at all, and it was just business as usual. I hope it stays that way.

Here are a few of the shots from this past week. A bunch more can be found here.




I met some incredible people this week, and we all promised to stay in touch. Billy, Carol, Cooper, Morgan, Lauren, Brandon, Shallon, Rick and Linda - you all were awesome!

Off on vacation....

More than likely, posting's will be spotty to non-existent for the next week. I'm off for a grueling 7 days in a Central American hell-hole. As the man said, it's a dirty job, but SOMEBODY has to do it.


Pics to follow upon my return....

Annual Church Picnic

Tons of fun today.

William dominated in the vollyball game

Then there was the watermelon eating contest. William and Jack made a great showing...
But the championship went to Luis (with Michael Wilson Woods (last year's champion) taking a close second

The Bugs also competed in the water-balloon tossing contestUnfortunately, Jack missed. Note where it DID hit...

And Michael Wilson Woods and I won the award for Most Politically Incorrect Pose

The rest of the photos can be found here

Happy Father's Day (tomorrow)

Happy Father's Day, troops. If you haven't figured out the perfect gift for dad, Mental Floss has a great list of Strange and Unique Father's Day Gifts (via the lovely and talented Miss C).

My dad passed away 12 years ago, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him.

When he died, Larry Henry, the Sports Editor of the Everett (Washington) Herald ran the following story:

Thursday, January 9, 1997
This fan will be sorely missed
________________________
Everything right when Bill Tucker was in the ballpark
_________________________________


It was a nightly ritual with the radio play-by-play announcer at Everett AquaSox home games. Mark Aucutt would look out over the stadium to see who was there. If the regular fans were in place, that is, if Bill Tucker was standing over there in the bleachers behind third base, Aucutt knew it was time to play ball.

He would smile to himself, take in a deep breath, and begin to speak.

Things were as they were supposed to be. The pitcher’s mound 60 feet, 6 inches from home plate. The bases 90 feet apart. The umpires dressed in blue. The grass a healthy shade of green. The smell of grilling hotdogs in the air. And Bill Tucker in the ballpark.

These were the absolutes of baseball.

It was like being a kid and coming come after school and knowing that your mother was going to be there with a hug and fresh-baked cookies. The rest of the world might be messed up, but your own little corner was right and secure.

Bill Tucker was what was right about the world. He always greeted you with a smile and a handshake and wanted to know how you were doing. He was always happy, always positive, said Susan Wade, AquaSox media relations director. You always felt better after you talked to him.

Some of Bill’s happiest days were spend at the ballpark. Bill Tucker was a passionate baseball fan from way back.

“Let’s face it,” he once said, “I’m a baseball freak.”

As a young man, he played right field for his town team in Henry, Tenn. They’d play every Sunday afternoon in the summer, the townfolk gathering to watch. They were simpler times, there wan’t much to do and baseball was king.

With Bill, it remained king for life.

He liked it, he said, because it was a “thinking man’s game.”

It was a game that fit Bill’s personality. You didn’t have to watch every pitch. You could visit with the people sitting around you or you could go out and have a smoke during the game, turning the scorebook-keeping over to your wife or daughter.

That was something Claire, Bill’s wife, had to learn: how to keep score. Melody, the oldest daughter, knew how from, well, probably the first time she ever went to a game with her dad, back when the Rainiers were still in Seattle.

When the Mariners came to town in 1977, Melody went down to greet them. She came home that day and told her dad that the M’s had offered her a job in marketing.

“You mean in baseball?” Bill said.

“That’s right.”

Bill didn’t steer her one way or another. He just said what he always said to his kids when they had a big decision to make: Think it over and do what you think is right.

A few days later, Melody told her dad she was going to accept the M’s offer.

“Well,” Bill said, with a big grin, “I guess we’ve got some baseball games to go to.”

Indeed they did. Bill, Claire and Melody had season tickets for M’s home games from 1979 until a couple of years ago. They always sat in the same place: section 111, row 19, seats 1-3.

Bill seldom missed a game. Because he was a mainstay, everyone in that section knew him. And if the umpire signaled “play ball” and Bill wasn’t there, people got concerned. But that rarely happened.

You’d go to a Mariner game, Jackie Thomas, a season ticket holder, would recall, and you’d look over and see Bill and you’d know that all was well.

The first time Jackie and her husband Mark saw Bill was in spring training, long before sojourns to Arizona for exhibition games became the fashionable, the “in” thing to do. Back when the M’s were a bunch of nobodies going nowhere.

Bill was sitting behind the home plate screen holding pitcher Edwin Nunez’s baby. Something about Bill’s body language spoke clearly to Mark Thomas. “That,” he said, “is a nice man.”

Through the years, the Tuckers befriended dozens of Mariner wives. Bill kiddingly called them his “daughters.”

Bill’s oldest daughter Melody was as much a baseball fanatic as her father was, and for a few years after leaving the M’s, she was the general manager of the Everett Giants/AquaSox. You don’t think that didn’t make dad proud.

Bill got disenchanted with the way major league baseball was going a few years ago and started attending the Everett team’s games instead of the M’s. It didn’t matter that the kids were fresh out of high school and college and that they made errors and couldn’t throw strikes. They at least tried and that was more than Bill could say for some of the big leaguers.

Besides, it was baseball. That was all that mattered.

Bill wasn’t a boisterous fan. But if you were standing close to him and an AquaSox player hit a long fly ball, Melody said you could hear her father quietly willing it to get out of the ballpark.

Baseball is going through some turbulent times. It still hasn’t won back all the fans it lost because of the players strike. But one man who didn’t desert the game was Bill Tucker. He still listened to M’s games on the radio and last summer when he suffered a heart attack and was drifting in and out of consciousness, he would ask what the M’s score was.

When Susan Wade brought a get-well card to the ballpark, dozens of fans - old and young, asked if they could sign it.

Last Sunday, Bill Tucker died. He was 77. He was a Navy man who survived the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor, a man who spent that day pulling survivors out of the water. “It’s something you don’t like to think about,” he said.

Bill Tucker was a compassionate man. Maybe you learn compassion from something like Pearl Harbor. Ernie Lundberg, an usher at AquaSox games, remembers that when he went through some difficult times, Bill would hear him out, give him a pat on the back and say, “Tomorrow will be better.”

Baseball will miss Bill Tucker. Humankind will miss him even more.


Happy Father's Day, everyone. Especially you, dad...

Statler and Waldorf

Son William and I do a KICK-ass Statler and Waldorf bit. I love these guys!


(via Miss C)

First Day of Summer Vacation

So we spent a good portion of today at Disneyland and California Adventure (gotta love those annual passes!). It was pretty crowded, so we did the stuff that didn't have a lot of lines: the Golden Horseshoe Revue and the Disneyland Train. After getting SOAKED at Splash Mountain(Dropping into the chute doing the Dane Cook Salute)

...we did the long trek over to California Screamin'. Tons O' fun.

~~~~~~~

Okay, so THEN we figure it'd be a hoot to, instead of taking pictures of each other, take shots of some of the other Disney guests.

For example, there was the lady who apparently didn't get the weather forecast (sunny and hot)

Then there was Creepy Stalker Guy

(You'll have to take my word on this one... I was shooting on the fly) This is a pic of a PREGNANT woman wearing a T-shirt that says "Just Do It"

And, finally, a graphic illustration as to why you shouldn't ever swallow your gum

All in all, a pretty good start to Summer Vacation, 2009!

Deleted scene from Terminator 3

T3 was an incredible disappointment. The first two were instant classics, but for the third, they dumped James Cameron and pretty much any connection to the predecessors. I walked out of the theater thinking, "I want those two hours of my life back!"

The inclusion of this scene might not've made the movie any better, but at least there would've been SOME comic relief in what was ultimately a steaming pile of cinematic excrement. (I know, self expression has always been one of my problems)

Anyway, enjoy.

For the sake of time... punchlines only

I know, I know... we're all busy people. I, for example, am busy getting ready to go on vacation. So to speed things up a little, here are some classic punchlines (you fill in the joke yourself).

(Other submissions gladly accepted)

~~~~~~~~~

Rectum? Damn killed him!

I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head.

Aren’t you a little bit old to be believin’ in Leprechauns then?

We're the Aristocrats!

That dog's not so shaggy

Doctor: “Okay, you’re ugly too”.

Frayed knot

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

They chip their teeth.

There’s WhiteOut on the screen

Watching your mother-in-law drive your brand new car off a cliff

But Mabel – it’s eating POPCORN!

Not so tough now are you Batman!!

Well wash your hands, I want a grilled cheese sandwich.

Yeah, that's pretty cold, alright...

F v. BFF

A Note Out of Louisiana

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM, AND TO BEGIN SELLING CARS.


Lift your wrists and save your watches - we are in deep s**t!





(Thanks, Debb!)

Battle Hymn of the Baby Boomers

(via)

A Geek Joke for Luis

A pizza with the radius z and thickness a has the volume pi*z*z*a





(Yeah, I know. Me neither. But Luis thought it was hysterical!)

It's the LAST Website Wednesday - the LAST ONE!!!!

...well, for a few weeks, anyway. The tropical waters of Roatan and Cozumel are beckoning with their siren song. Subscribe, or check back issues, and think of me suffering through these horrendous, third-world Hell-holes. Pray for me. I believe I'll come through on the Other Side a better person.

Sci Fi Movie Timeline

Created by artist Dan Meth, this depicts the way things unfold in the Sci Fi universe. Meth admits, "This is by far the geekiest thing I’ve ever done." True, dude... but cool. (Incidentally, pay no attention to "Clockwork Orange," Escape From New York," "2001" and "Freejack."

The Difference Between a Normal Person and a Scientist

8 Starship Enterprise Facts Every Trekker Should Know

USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), the starship in the original Star Trek TV series

To boldly go where no man has gone before, you'd need a really good starship - and to launch Star Trek, the pop culture phenomenon that entertained and inspired millions, you'd need a pretty darned good one! And that is exactly what the United Space Starship Enterprise delivered. Here are 8 Starship Enterprise facts every Trekker should know:

1. Meet the REAL Enterprise (Several of Them, Actually)(L) The tenth HMS Enterprise, an Arctic survey sloop (1848), painting by WH Browne from the National Maritime Museum online collection;
(R) USS Enterprise at Valcour Island, Lake Champlain, New York (1776) from Dictionary of American Naval Fighting Ships

Before Star Trek, there have been many actual ships named Enterprise. The very first one of note was a French frigate L'Enterprise, which was captured by the British Royal Navy in 1705 and renamed as HMS Enterprise. It served as a British gun ship until it was wrecked just two years later. After this ship, there were 14 other HMS also named Enterprise (sometimes spelled Enterprize).

The United States have 8 battleships named Enterprise, including the first nuclear powered aircraft carrier in the world. The very first one (before the US became a country, so technically it was a ship of the Continental Navy) was an armed sloop on Lake Champlain in 1775 named the United States Ship (USS) Enterprise.

During the American Civil War, aeronaut and scientist Thaddeus S.C. Lowe built a balloon named Enterprise, to be used by the Union Army to perform aerial recon on Confederate troops.(L) Enterprise, a gas inflated aerostat (1858); (M) Space Shuttle Enterprise; (R) Artist rendering of VSS Enterprise

And who can forget the Space Shuttle Enterprise? It was the very first Space Shuttle orbiter, built for NASA in 1976. The Shuttle was supposed to be named Constitution, but a write-in campaign successfully persuaded NASA to name it after the Star Trek starship. (Interestingly, the fictional Starship Enterprise was a Constitution-class vessel - coincidence? Hm....)

The last actual Enterprise hasn't been built yet but it already has a name: Virgin Space Ship (VSS) Enterprise and yes, it's an homage to Star Trek. It's a suborbital spaceplane being built by Sir Richard Branson of Virgin for the purposes of space tourism.

Ironically, when Sir Richard offered the first flight to William Shatner, the actor declined and revealed that he's actually afraid of space travel, "I'm interested in man's march into the unknown but to vomit in space is not my idea of a good time. Neither is a fiery crash with the vomit hovering over me." Shatner added that he's not entirely against the idea - he just needed some reassurance. "I do want to go up but I need guarantees I'll definitely come back." (Source)

2. No Rockets, Jets or Firestreams

Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, who pitched the TV show as "Wagon Train to the Stars," didn't tell art director Matt Jefferies what Starship Enterprise should look like, instead he told the bewildered art director what he did not want to see. Starship Concept Art has reprint of a nifty article in Star Trek: The Magazine by Jefferies about the design process:

"In my approach to Star Trek I wanted to be as practical as possible," Jefferies says. "I could tell Gene was serious enough, but I really didn't know where to start. I knew the Enterprise was going to be on the cutting edge of the future, but essentially he gave me the job of finding a shape, and I didn't know what the shape looked like." Although Roddenberry knew a lot about his ship, he had never visualized it, and consequently made the situation more complicated since he couldn't give Jefferies a detailed sense of direction. According to Jefferies, Roddenberry was absolutely clear to avoid any resemblance to a 1960's rocket ship. "Gene described the 100-150 man crew, outer space, fantastic, unheard-of speed, and that we didn't have to worry about gravity. He had emphasized that there were to be no fins, no wings, no smoke trails, no flames, no rocket.

After hundreds of drawings, Jefferies came up with this:In his honor, the crawl spaces on all of the Starfleet starships on Star Trek are called Jefferies tubes.

3. The Original Name of USS Enterprise

That's right - the iconic starship wasn't always named USS Enterprise ... in the original draft, Roddenberry named it USS Yorktown after a World War II aircraft carrier. The starship was commanded by Captain Robert April, then Christopher Pike, before Roddenberry settled on James Tiberius Kirk.

By the way, William Shatner was the third choice for Kirk. The role was offered to Lloyd Bridges and Jack Lord, both of whom declined it.

4. The Origin of NCC-1701

How did the famous USS Enterprise get its registration number NCC-1701 is the stuff of legend. There are conflicting stories, including one where 1701 is a tribute to Roddenberry's childhood neighbor's house number or that Jefferies got it from the registration number of his airplane.

Here's Matt Jefferies' explanation when he was asked during a BBC Interview:

NC, by international agreement, stood for all United States commercial vehicles. Russia had wound up with four Cs, CC CC. It’d been pretty much a common opinion that any major effort in space would be two expensive for any one country, so I mixed the US and the Russian and came up with NCC.

The one seven zero part - I needed a number that would be instantly identifiable, and three, six, eight and nine are too easily confused. I don’t think anyone’ll confuse a one and a seven, or the zero. So the one seven stood for the seventeenth basic ship design in the Federation, and the zero one would have been serial number one, the first bird.


5. Land the Ship? Too Expensive, Let's Teleport Everybody Instead!Originally, Roddenberry envisioned the USS Enterprise to land on various planets, but it turned out to be too expensive as it would require them to build expensive sets. The next idea was to use shuttles - but when filming began, the full-sized shooting model wasn't ready. So, they came up with the idea of "beaming down" the crew via a teleportation device and thus the transporter was born! (Source)

In 1994, TIME Magazine interviewed Star Trek technical expert Michael Okuda about the intricacies of the transporter:

"It should be possible if we decompile the pattern buffer."

Transporters can send people instantly from one location to another by converting their molecules into energy, then reassembling them. Every living being has a distinct pattern of molecules; the pattern buffer fixes the configuration by adjusting for the Doppler effect -- the apparent change in the frequency of the energy waves caused by motion.

"I'll verify the Heisenberg compensators."

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that you cannot know a subatomic particle's exact position and its exact direction and velocity at the same time. To transport people you have to know all those things, so the Heisenberg compensator was devised to overcome that problem. It's an attempt by the Trek writers to signal that they are at least aware of the issue. And how does the Heisenberg compensator work? "It works very well, thank you," says Okuda.

6. The Next Gen Enterprise: Hilton in Space

Jefferies designed the bridge in the original USS Enterprise in the style of a Navy battleship, with specialized workstations for its crew. When set designer Richard James updated the bridge for Star Trek: The Next Generation (restriction: no purple!), Jefferies was asked about the new look. To which he replied:

Gene asked me how I liked the show, and I said that he had taken the bridge of my ship and turned it into the lobby of the Hilton. And I have just never watched any of them since. I’m lost.

Ironically, Star Trek and Hilton actually did come together to create a theme attraction. Star Trek: The Experience opened in 1998 at the Las Vegas Hilton. It closed in 2008 due to low attendance (though it is due to re-open in a different location in 2010).

7. The Original Star Trek Enterprise PropIf you visit the National Air and Space Museum at the Smithsonian, definitely check out the actual model of the Starship Enterprise used in the filming of the original Star Trek TV show.The hull and one nacelle of the original Star Trek Starship Enterprise model as it was received by the National Air and Space Museum from Paramount Studios on March 1, 1974.

The model of the Enterprise was sent to the museum in crates, donated by Paramount Studios five years after the series ended.
Enterprise during its first Smithsonian restoration.

The Smithsonian performed extensive restoration to put the starship model back together, and for the first time ever, the photos of the restoration process are available to the public at the museum's blog.


8. The Hot-Rod Starship Enterprise
For his movie Star Trek, director J.J. Abrams decided that the USS Enterprise could use a face-lift and worked with artists at Industrial Light & Magic to update the starship - like Roddenberry, he gave a simple directive:

"He wanted a hot-rod type of vehicle, but they also wanted to preserve the Enterprise kind of look," model maker John Goodson said in a presentation at ILM's San Francisco headquarters earlier this month.

"J.J. Abrams kept saying, 'Make it a bigger movie. Make it a bigger shot,'" creative director David Nakabayashi added. "I think that's one thing you see in this film, at least: The stuff I've seen is just everything is big."

SCI FI Wire has the interview with model maker John Goodson and visual effects supervisor Roger Guyett about the new Enterprise: Link

The official website for JJ Abram's Star Trek movie has a nifty 360° panorama of the bridge of the new starship:

(shamelessly stolen from Neatorama)

Drink Milk Compilation

Drink Milk - It's always been survival of the fittest. A compilation of hilarious "Drink Milk" commercials by the BC Dairy Foundation of Canada.



(via)

Too much time on your hands at the office, hmmm?

(via)

Sci-Fi in the Sky

Okay.

THIS is seriously cool. Click on the picture below to enlarge it, and then zoom in and wander around to see some of the "on location" areas for some popular science fiction books, TV shows and movies...

"What WAS that thing..."

(via)

This is sort of a follow up to my post from a little over a week ago, “Tattoos, and Why I Never Got One”

Tattoos are reverse time machines: with time travel you can send a warning back to your younger self, with tattoos you send a mistake forward to your older self.

Tattoos Explained By Location


Just The Facts
1. Tattoos theoretically could be thoughtful additions to your appearance. Unfortunately there are thousands of tattoo parlors (many open 24 hours) and people just don't have that many thoughts. So most are stupid.

2. Tattoos are permanent. Your motivation/blood-alcohol level is not.

3. Tattoos are now as edgy as a padded watermelon.

Who Gets Tattoos?
Tattoos are an excellent way to turn a single drunken decision into a lifetime of disfigurement and regret, which normally requires a car. Tattoos are associated with criminal gangs, the armed forces, and whiny white teenagers desperate for attention. Attempts to get all three to attend a common "Tattoo Conference" have unfortunately failed.


What Your Tattoo Says About You


Before You Get a Tattoo
There are some important questions to ask before getting a tattoo:

* Have I wanted this for more than five minutes?

* Am I, at this particular instant in sidereal time, drunk off my face?

* Do the tattoo artist's past works resemble an art class for crash-helmet testers?

* I meet the love of my life. I romance them for months, reaching a point where we can communicate our very deepest emotions and feel that we almost share souls (awwww). At this point, can I see myself naked and explaining this tattoo?


(via)

I can't believe this is just a COMMERCIAL! Brilliant!

Irony

i·ro·ny n
1. a type of humor based on using words to suggest the opposite of their literal meaning
2. something said or written that uses sardonic humor
3. incongruity between what actually happens and what might be expected to happen, especially when this disparity seems absurd or laughable
4. something that happens that is incongruous with what might be expected to happen, especially when this seems absurd or laughable
5. this picture

"They Can't Kick Us All Off!"

Sabotaage!

Okay, so I've got one more day in Montreal, and I head back to Los Angeles tonight. But I can't leave this fine city without an homage to one of it's First Citizens, none other than the original Captain James T. Kirk himself, the honorable William Shatner.

Normally, it's hard to suss out that Shatner is a Canadian. He doesn't say "eh" or "aboot" or "Zed" (well, maybe he does... it's just not in his scripts). But he's TOTALLY busted on the word "sabotage." Or, to the Shat, "sabotaage":

Three Racehorses

Three racehorses were bragging about their exploits. The first said, “Y’know, out of my last 32 races, I’ve won 19!”

The second answered, “Pretty impressive, but out of my last 48 races, I’ve won 42!”

Thoroughbred #3, not to be outdone, replied, “Yeah, that’s fast, but out of my last 67 races, I’ve won 58!”

A greyhound who had been listening popped his head up and said “Gee! You guys are really fast! But it’s interesting… out of my last 100 races, I’ve won 99!”

The three racehorses are flabbergasted! Finally, one turns to the others and says, ”Wow! A talking dog!”

Universal Studios Free Photo Booth Prank

This made me laugh out loud -

They Don't Write Songs About Volvos

Each August, Chevrolet Outdoor Billboards line Woodward Ave in Detroit for Cruise Weekend. These billboards feature classic Chevrolet muscle cars & great tag lines!



via
more here

Old Joke of the Week

Sick of the city, Sam quits his job and moves to Montana, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. After six months of isolation, someone knocks on his door. A huge bearded man is standing on his porch.

“Name’s Buck,” the man says, “from down the road. Having a party Saturday. Wanna come?”

“Definitely,” says Sam. “After six months out here, I’m ready to meet some people.”

“Gotta warn you,” says Buck, “there’s gonna be some drinkin.’”

“No problem: I can drink with the best of them,” says Sam.

“More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Well, I like people,” Sam says. “I’ll be there.”

Buck starts to walk away, but then turns back. “I seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Not a problem,” says Sam. “I’ve been alone for six months! Just one question, though: What should I wear?”

Buck shrugs. “Whatever you want. It’s just gonna be the two of us.”

Another Exciting Edition of "Times When It's Okay to Use the F-Word"

Montreal's FINEST!

So I'm heading up to Montreal today to do a seminar tomorrow and Friday. I can't wait. Not because I love the city so much (beautiful city - don't get me wrong), but they have the most badass, KICK-ass Hebrew deli in the world.

Forget Cantor's in LA. Forget Chicago. Even forget New York. Their delicatessens are rank amateurs compared to Schwartz's Deli - a hole-in-the-wall, greasy spoon diner on Saint-Laurent Boulevard.

I first heard about Schwartz's several years ago when I was teaching a seminar in Montreal. Several of the attendees were raving about this place, so I figured I had to try it out. It was the dead of Winter, about a mile away from my hotel, and I walked - while it was snowing... at NIGHT, to check it out.

My first clue that this was going to be a good experience was the line of people stretching out the door and onto the sidewalk, standing in the snow, waiting for their take out orders. There were a few seats at the counter, so I parked myself and ordered the house special - a smoked meat sandwich. One bite of this thing and my taste buds were exploding. It was absolutely the best sandwich I'd ever had, ever.

This place absolutely needs to become a Mecca for you - unless you're a weenie-ass *vegetarian* ("Are you a vegetarian because you love animals or because you hate plants?").

Check this place out.

You'll thank me.

What you get when you order a Cosmopolitan in Western Australia

The Caretaker’s News

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to tell you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?

"Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle!!??"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL!!??"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

..............LONG SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in big trouble!"


(via)

Bill Nye, the Science Guy (uh!) IS William Shatner!

This... is... AWESOME!

Useful French Phrases

All the way from kindergarten up through last year, both of my sons attended Le Lycée Français de Los Angeles. I even did the commencement speech in 2003. Both William and Jack speak fluent, conversational French and Spanish. I can get by in Spanish if you go real slow . . . . but when they don't want me to know what they're talking about, they turn into Guillaume and Jacques. So I thought it prudent to look up some phrases that might come in handy...

~~~~~~~


GREETINGS

"You've put on weight"

"Tu as grossi"
(tu ah gro - si)

"Haven't the police found you yet?"

"La police, ne t'a pas encore trouvé?"
(la po - lees ne ta pa zen - cor troo - vay)

* * *

GENERAL CHIT-CHAT

"Would you stop spitting on me while you're talking!"

"Voulez-vous cesser de me cracher dessus pendant que vous parlez!"
(voo - lay voo se - say de me cra - shay de - su pen - dan que voo parl - ay)

"Reality and you don't get on, do they?"

"Le réalité et toi, vous ne vous entendez pas, n'est-ce pas?"
(le ree - al - ee - tay eh twa voo ne voo zen - ten - day pah nes pah)

"You've got a face that would blow off manhole covers"

"T'as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d'egouts!"
(ta zoon tait a fair saw - teh leh plahk de - goo)

"Are you drunk?"

"Est-ce que vous êtes ivre?"
(es - ke voo zet eevr)

"You have a chive on your tooth."

"Vous avez de la ciboulette sur votre dent"
(voo za - vay de la see - boo - let ser votr den)

"You're a complete moron"

"Tu es completement debile"
(tu eh com - plet - e - men de - beel)

"You get on my nerves"

"Tu me peles le jonc"
(tu me pel - e le zhonc)

"As a child, was your cradle rocked too close to the wall?"

"On t'a bercé trop près du mur?"
(on ta ber - say troa pray du mer)

"Idiot", "Fool", "Cretin", "Imbecile"

"Idiot", "Fou", "Cretin", "Imbecile"
(ee - dee - o, foo, cre - tin, Im - be - seel)

* * *


HELPING OTHERS

"What did your last slave die of?"

"De quoi est mort votre dernier esclave?"
(de kwa eh mor votr der - nee - er es - klahv)

"I'd help you, but I don't like you."

"Je vous aurais bien aide, mais je ne vous aime pas."
(zhe voo zaw - ray bien ai - de may zhe ne voo zaim - e pah)

"Do it yourself."

"Faites-le vous-même"
(fay - teh le voo mehm)

"Stop bothering me!"

"Parle à mon cul, ma tête est malade"
(parl a mon cul, ma teht eh ma - lahd)

* * *

DEALING WITH PARENTS OF OTHER CHILDREN

"My God your children are ugly!"

"Mon Dieu, que vos enfants sont laids"
(Mon dyoo, ke voe zen - fant son lay)

"Your children are very attractive. Are they adopted?"

"Vos enfants sont très beaux. Ils sont adoptes?"
(vo zen - fant son tray boh. Il sont a - dop - te)

"How much for the little girl?"

"Combien pour la fillette"
(com - byen poor la fill - et)

* * *

EATING OUT

"How many of your customers have died?"

"Combien de vos clients sont morts?"
(com - byen de vo clee - ent sont moo - ree)

"This restaurant isn't as good as Mc.Donald's"

"Ce restaurant n'est pas aussi bon que le Mc.Donalds'
(se re - staw - ran neh pas o - si bon ke le mac don - alds)

"Did these fish die of radiation sickness?"

"Ces poissons, ils sont mort d'irradiation?"
(se pwu - son il sont mor di - ray - di - ay - shun)

"I think this wine has been drunk before."

"Je pense que ce vin a déjà ete bu"
(zhe pens ke se vin a day - zha e - te bu)

"For dessert, what would you suggest to get the taste of the main course out of my mouth?"

"Comme dessert, que me suggereriez-vous pour effacer le goût du plat de resistance de ma bouche?"
(com de - zert com - en ke me su - zhair - er - i - ay voo poor eff - ah - say le goo du pla de re - zi - stans de ma boosh)

* * *

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

"I like Spain better"

"Je préfére l'Espagne"
(zhe pre - fer les - pan - ya)

"Yes, I am hungry"

"Oui, J'ai faim"
(wi zhay fin)

"Only my genius"(Oscar Wilde)

"Juste mon genie"
(zhust mon zhay - nee)

"Long live Algeria"

"Vive l'Algerie"
(vee - ve lal - zhe - ree)

* * *

VISITING

"Whoever painted this place was blind"

"Quiconque a peint cette maison etait aveugle"
(ki - conk a peint set e - mai - zon e - tay a - veugl)

"What an austere house!"

"Quelle maison austere!"
(Kel may - son au - steer)

"It's a bit of a dive, but it has some nice mold."

"Ça fait un peu boui-boui, mais il y a de la jolie moisissure"
(sa fay un peu bwi bwi, may zil ya de la zho - lee mwa - see - syer)

"It could be quite nice if it were decorated with taste."

"Ça pourrait être joli si c'etait décoré avec goût"
(sa poo - ray etr zho - li si se - tay de - cor - ay avec gu)

* * *

FASHION

"You should sue your tailor"

"Vous devriez poursuivre votre tailleur en justice"
(voo de - vri - ay poor - sweevr votr tay - yer en zhu - stees)

"I think the dress is too small for you."

"Je pense que la robe est trop petite pour vous"
(zhe pens ke la roab eh troa pe - teet poor voo)

"Was it difficult to find a tie more obnoxious than you?"

"Est-ce difficile trouver une cravate plus odieuse que vous?"
(Es di - fi - seel troo - veh oon cra - vat ploo zoa - dee - euz ke voo)

* * *

GENERAL

"I have a frog in my bidet!"

"J'ai une grenouille dans mon bidet!"
(zhay en gre - noo - ee dan mon bee - day)

"Your frog has eaten my lunch"

"Votre grenouille a mangé mon dejeuner"
(Votr gre - noo - ee a man - zhay mon de - zheu - ner)

(via)

Magic Bubble NGC7635

NGC7605, or, as it's more commonly known, "The Bubble Nebula," is located in the Northern night sky in the constellation Cassiopeia. There's all sorts of technical information you can find in any astronomy book or website, such as

"At the center of the nebula is an 8th magnitude star, and about 6 arc minutes southwest is a brighter star (the brightest star in this image) of magnitude 6.7.

The Bubble nebula is a very rare example of a planetary nebula around an OB star. In our own galaxy, there are only two known examples, the Bubble, and NGC 6164-5.

Planetary nebulae form when aging stars lose mass via stellar winds. The wind sweeps up the surrounding medium around the star into a shell, which can appear as a ring or other shapes around the central star due to the effects of perspective and viewing angle."

Yeah. Whatever. Except *I'm* the sort of backyard astronomer who'd rather say, "Ooooo, that's pretty!"

What's über cool about THIS picture is that it's stereoscopic... cross your eyes until you see three images. The one in the middle becomes a 3-D picture. How awesome is that?

Click on the photo - it'll make it larger and easier to see

The Top Ten Signs You *Won't* Be Graduating

10. During the fittings for caps and gowns, you are sent out to look for four-leaf clovers on the football field.

9. Your only English paper was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure."

8. You miss a lot of classes to appear in lineups.

7. During final exams, teachers ask you to go out and get their lunch.

6. Your rebuttal in the first round of the debate tournament: "Okay, you've convinced me!"

5. Nobody believes the drugs in your locker were planted by "those Swiftboat dudes."

4. Jerry Springer calls, asking you to be on his next show.

3. They're giving you an "incomplete" in shop until you find the teacher's finger.

2. June’s already started and you still haven't found your homeroom.

1. Your name is Kenny. This year's prom theme is "Sorry You Won't Be Graduating, Kenny."

Ellen Degeneres' Tulane University Commencement Speech, 2009

*I* gave a commencement speech a few years back that I thought was pretty good. Now I'm utterly mortified by how plebeian it was compared to this. This is, by far, the best commencement speech I've ever heard.



(Thanks, Debb!)

If God Had Texted the Ten Commandments

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg’s

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

(via)

Tattoos, and Why I Never Got One

I'm (probably) never going to get a tattoo, mainly because I can't think of anything I want on me for the rest... of... my... life.

Plus, we tend to grow and expand over the years (some of us more than others), so what that 20 year-old hottie doesn't realize that, in 20 years, that beautiful tattoo of a butterfly is going to look like a MOTH.



While I still wouldn't get it, you've got to admit that this looks pretty badass

Oh yeah, this turned out well

You sure are, pal

Okay, now this might come in handy

Then again, there's always bacon

In Outer Space, No One Can Hear You Fart

Check this out - it's a low-altitude video of lunar surface (in High Definition, courtesy of Japan’s Kaguya explorer)

Letter from Grandma

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Grandma


(thanks, Melody!)

Friday Photo Dump

Eye Chart for the Internets
Just another Friday night...
Good advice...
Recession Logos

20 Years Ago Today

More info here

Guess Who This Is... (back by popular demand)

Any guesses?

Okay, a few hints:

STEEPED in Midichlorians,

A bit on the hairy, scary side...

This was the original One Who Was to Bring Order to the Force...


...none other than...

Little Anakin Skywalker, Jake Lloyd...

Stunningly Beautiful

Last month, a group of amateur astronomers got together in Fort Davis, Texas, and created this time-lapse video at a star party of the Milky Way galaxy rising as the night progressed. It is stunning how beautiful something as simple as the Earth spinning can be. Watch the entire 11 hour night compressed into 48 seconds; you will not be sorry!

Galactic Center of Milky Way Rises over Texas Star Party from William Castleman on Vimeo.

(via)

The Top 10 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped…

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3) You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And The Number One Way To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped…

1) I thought you were crazy; now I can clearly see your nuts.

Amazingly Accurate!

Have You Subscribed Yet?

Get Website Wednesday delivered to your digital mailbox every week!

Just shoot me an email at skip@skiptucker.com and write "Subscribe" in the Subject line.

Go ahead, waste even MORE time on the Internets!

Happy Johnny Weissmuller Day!

Dude would've been 105 today. The essence of Cool...

Facts about Johnny Weissmuller

Born: Jun 02, 1904 in Freidorf, Austria-Hungary (now Romania)
Died: Jan 20, 1984 in Acapulco, Mexico

Was named “Best Swimmer of the First Half Century” by the International Swimming Hall of Fame

Was the first “talking” Tarzan, starring in 12 movies from 1932 to 1949

He was born in Freidorf, Romania, but his parents (Hungarian nationals) came to America when he was 3. Because of Olympic eligibility issues, he told everyone he was born in Windber, PA.

Won 5 Olympic Gold Medals 1924-28 for swimming. Broke the record in each race.

From his debut in competitive swimming in 1921, when he won his first A.A.U. (Amateur Athletic Union) championship in the 50-yard freestyle, Weissmuller was the winner in every single race he ever entered through 1928, when he retired from competitive swimming to earn a living in the real world.

Had three children with Beryl: Johnny Weissmuller Jr., Heidi Elizabeth Weissmuller and Wendy Anne Weissmuller.

Weissmuller had a close call in Cuba during the time of the Cuban Revolution. While playing golf, he and his friends found themselves suddenly surrounded by a group of Fidel Castro's soldiers intent on kidnapping them, or worse. Thinking fast, Weissmuller immediately gave his trademark Tarzan yell. The soldiers immediately recognized it and were so delighted to meet Tarzan that they escorted the group back to a safe area.

When Weissmuller was introduced to the first Cheetah in his Tarzan films in 1931 (he worked with 8 chimpanzees altogether), the chimp's trainer told him to show no fear or the animal would attack him. As Weissmuller, dressed in his Tarzan loincloth and hunting knife, walked up to the animal, it bared its teeth, growled at him and lunged as if to attack him. Weissmuller took the knife out of the sheath and held it in front of the chimp's nose, to make sure he saw and smelled it. He then slammed the animal on the side of the head with the knife handle. He put the knife back in its sheath and held out his hand to the chimp. It glared at him, bared his teeth again, then changed its mind, grinned at Weissmuller and jumped up and hugged him. Weissmuller never had any further problems with the chimp--although other cast and crew members did--and it followed him around like a puppy dog during all the pictures they worked together.

At his request, a recording of his trademark Tarzan yell which he invented was played as his coffin was lowered into the ground.

Appears on sleeve of The Beatles' "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band".

Inducted into the U.S. Olympic Hall of Fame, 1983 (charter member).

During his appearance on German television show "Das aktuelle Sportstudio", a monkey removed his wife Maria's wig and threw it on the floor (1971).

He died in January 1984, one month after the last surviving silent Tarzan, James Pierce, died.

Was the first man in the world to swim 100 m. Freestyle in less than a minute

During the making of the "Jungle Jim" movies, he was fined $5000 for every pound he was overweight.

In 1970, he attended the British Commonwealth Games in Jamaica where he was presented to Queen Elizabeth.

Inducted into the Body Building Guild Hall of Fame in 1976.

Moved to Las Vegas from Florida in 1973 where he was a greeter at the MGM Grand Hotel for a time.

In 1974, he broke a hip and leg. While hospitalized he learned that, in spite of his strength and lifelong daily regimen of swimming and exercise, he had a serious heart condition.

Made a cameo appearance with former "Tarzan" co-star Maureen O'Sullivan in The Phynx (1970).

In the late 1950s after retiring from acting, Weissmuller moved back to Chicago and started a swimming pool company. He also lent his name to other business ventures, but did not have a great deal of success. He retired in 1965 and moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where he was Founding Chairman of the International Swimming Hall of Fame.

After school, he worked as a bellhop and elevator operator at the Plaza Hotel in Chicago and trained for the Olympics with a swim coach at the Illinois Athletic Club, where he developed his revolutionary high-riding front crawl. He made his amateur debut on August 6, 1921, winning his first AAU race in the 50-yard freestyle.

Natives of the village Zitiste near the town of Zrenjanin, Banat region in Serbia (near border with Romania) started a campaign to build a monument in honor of him, claiming that he was born there.(spring 2007).

Sources – imdb
"Water, World and Weissmuller" by Nardia Onyx, 1964

Museum of Natural History, 2020

Kim Jong Il

(via Jonco)

Joke of the Week

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don’t know.

Of COURSE you don't know, man! You don't KNOW! Because you weren't THERE!