Puns, Jokes, and One-Liners

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3-year old crying?
They were having a mid-life crisis.

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How do you get an old lady to drop an F-bomb?
Have another old lady yell, “BINGO!”

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So, my girlfriend is angry with me for misquoting “The Princess Bride.”

Unbelievable!

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Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. 
One draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”










That was the punchline.

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How do you ask an Australian for nude pictures?
sapnu puas

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A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "They had eggs!"

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After my proctology exam, I was left alone in the examination room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

“Who was that?”

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What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go downhill?
Walking.

JK Rowling

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A wife calls her husband in a panic...

Wife: "There's water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "The carburetor? That's ridiculous!"
Wife: "I'm telling you, the carburetor is completely flooded, there's water everywhere!"
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is! Let me take a look. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool"

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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
R?
You’d think so, wouldn't you? Actually, it’s the C!