How To Be a Superhero
Deciding on a Superhero Name
* Don't call yourself by your real name (e.g. Mr Fred Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster).
* Don't call yourself by someone else's real name (e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin).
* Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess (e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman).
* But don't labour the point (e.g. Mr. So-F***ing-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy).
* Don't be too modest (e.g. Mr Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredible Man).
* Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image (e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Asshole, Yellow Streak, Purple Helmet, Captain Evil, Dr. Shit-For-Brains).
* Don't choose a name with a sexual double meaning. For example, AC/DC man is not a good name for a man with electrical powers.
* Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
* It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition; it's just asking for trouble.
* Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.
* Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.
* Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man (even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body).
* Don't give away any important information in your name (e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable to Strontium 90).
* Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
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Sidekicks
Advantages of a Boy Wonder
* They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.
* They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy.
* They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.
* They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and free you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death trap--just in time!
* They're just about the right height for headbutting or biting a super villain in the nuts--which makes them a force to be feared in the criminal underworld!
* They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of particularly slow readers.
* They can give your comic a vital sales boost--simply by getting themselves killed.
* When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied rampage of violent revenge--and keep those sales figures high!
Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder
* They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol.
* They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillain.
* They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner.
* They want to wear a Walkman into combat.
* People talk...
* A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210-lb criminal psychopath with a death-ray glare.
* They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game of Dungeons & Dragons with them.
* They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile.
* They never tidy up after themselves in the Crimecave, so the whole place quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes, discarded bubblegum, catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy bars, half-finished model cars, long forgotten packets of contraceptives bought in a moment of supreme bravado and overconfidence, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases, stroke mags, tubes of acne cream, and crumpled tissues.
* They don't wash often enough, so they smell.
* They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.
* They can easily be taunted by supervillains into bursting into tears and running off--simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! Look everybody, there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
* They'll quite happily play stickball in the midst of $20 million worth of delicate criminology lab equipment.
* They get carsick in the Crimemobile.
* In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle maneuver 18, chum!" -- because chances are they can't count up that high.
* They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or 'Super-Dude.'
* They get zits and look real unsightly.
* They think your bald spot is hilarious.
* They talk crap.
* They make you feel very old.
Advantages of a Girl Wonder
* They look much better than a Boy Wonder.
* People don't automatically assume that you're, you know, that way...
* Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the same age.
* People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe.
* Supervillains get dead jealous of you.
* You might get lucky.
Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder
* They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave.
* One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two weeks.
* They insist on having at least a dozen different costumes to wear.
* They won't fight crime if Smashing Pumpkins are on MTV.
* They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phone call .
* Other superheroes will try to steal her away from you.
* They kill people when they're premenstrual.
* They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammi, Samantha, Jo-Jo, Mindy, Mandi, Shelley, Bernice, Pam, Tina, Linda, Sandy, Crissy, the Berkowitz Twins--and Jim.
* If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's in curlers-- forget it!
* They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master.
* Their approach to fighting supervillains tends to be strictly limited to pulling his hair, slapping his face, or hitting him with a shoe.
* They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally dark an' mysterious an' mean an' moody--but that's only 'cause someone musta rilly, rilly hurt him bad one time. I can tell... etc. etc. etc."
* They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their new hair style.
* They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting at each other during battle.
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