A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear when she asks, “Would you like anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today.
Shoulda cooked it at aloha temperature.
How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.
Johnny’s mother called his father at work.
“Johnny just swallowed a nickel and spit up two dimes, what do I do?”
“Keep feeding him nickels!”
What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?
I’d tell you, but I don’t compare apples to oranges
I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. I guess now I really am…
Here’s something I bet you never noticed: when you say the word “poop,” your mouth does the same motion as your butthole.
Rule #1 for learning English:
Their our know rules.
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes. But it’s really because I really want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
My girlfriend asked me the other day, “Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and He didn’t give men anything?”
I laughed and replied, “Don’t be silly! He gave us women!”