The head coach of the Cleveland Browns is looking for a new quarterback when he sees news footage of a man in Afghanistan.
This man is fighting the Taliban and in the space of a few seconds, the coach sees him burst through a wooden barricade, knock down ten armed soldiers, run 100 yards in ten seconds, pick up a grenade laying on the ground, and throw it through an open window of an armored vehicle driving 75 yards away at 60 miles an hour, blowing it up and saving his village.
The coach gets on a flight and signs the guy to be the new Browns quarterback. After re-writing the NFL record book, he leads the Browns to victory in the Super Bowl!
The jubilant quarterback calls his mother and says "Mother, we won the Super Bowl! Did you see?"
His mother spits at him, "Don't you talk to me. You are dead to me!"
Confused, the QB asks, "But why?"
His mother replies, "You left us here! Your father caught a disease and was in the hospital on life support, and the corrupt government let the power to the hospital be turned off and he died. Your sister was kidnapped by a gang off the streets and we fear she is dead, or worse. There was no fresh water to the house so your brother went down to the lake to get water, and he was horribly burned because the lake caught on fire!"
She hisses, "I will never FORGIVE you for making us move to Cleveland."