Friday, April 30, 2010

Elevator Instructions


Put down the coffee and walk away...

(Generated here)

No, wait... THIS is the Video of the Week

Caveat Emptor


The Top 11 Things Uttered By Yoda During Sex

11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."

10. "Feel the force!"

9. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."

8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"

7. "Do me or do me not - there is no try."

6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"

5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank
Oz's hand up my ass."

4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."

3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?"

2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"

1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"


Video of the Week

Can you name all of the films used?

And, since this song is now stuck in your head, here are the lyrics:

We accept her, one of us, we accept her, one of us!
Gooble gobble gooble gobble!
We accept her, we accept her!
We accept her, one of us, we accept her, one of us!
Gooble gobble gooble gobble!
We accept her, we accept her!
(We-we) we came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass,
I was testing you -- and you passed,
Dental plan! Lisa needs braces,
Be required to fart on a regular basis,
I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse,
Channel 13 -- Eyewitness news!
Robocop, who is he?
Dead or alive you’re coming with me.
In a hurry to be fed, beady eyes and big blue head.
I’m telling the truth Doc, you gotta believe me,
Why does everything I whip leave me?
My beautiful chocolate! Candy is dandy,
Fava beans and a nice Chianti,
You can count on Slippery Pete,
Suicide will be nice and neat!
I didn’t build the Panama canal,
Open the pod bay doors please, HAL,
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for,
These aren’t the droids we’re looking for,
I am not a number I am a free man!
To The Idiotmobile!
Right away Michael,
I-I-I-I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered.
We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass,
You don’t understand I coulda had class,
Round and tasty on a bun,
Ooh Zippy look what you’ve done!
Finally! Cast off those lines!
No, I’ve been nervous lots of times,
Red Rum! What’s the matter honey?
Just robbed Boss Hogg all of his money!
We came, saw, we kicked it’s ass,
Writing checks your body can’t cash,
I was elected to lead, not read,
I feel the need -- the need for speed,
Watch out for snakes, a good man’s loafer,
HQ -- my hat looks like a muffin -- over,
My god it’s full of stars,
There was no driver in the car..
In the car (repeat)
Well you see I’m in hot pursuit!
There are only two things I love in this world -- everybody and television!
#The Simpsons
#Run With Us!
Ugh -- you must be shrooming,
Wait for me Moomin!
Cross live to meet the host of that show, Meat Boy,
I want to go to there.
We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass,
An oil tycoon -- like a.. moustache,
Nice beaver! I just had it stuffed,
I don’t give a shit, close enough,
Where’s me washboard? I’ll get me coat,
Y-y-y-you’re gonna need a bigger boat,
What’d she say? I think she bought it,
Suck it monkeys! I’m goin’ corporate!
C’mon let’s take a drive! A drive?
Number 5 is alive!
It’s only a laugh, no harm done,
Pickles, french fries, yum yum yum,
Bueller, Bueller, Bueller,
It’s 2 degrees cooler,
The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long,
Six words in the whole song.
We-we-we accept her, one of us, we accept her, one of us!
Gooble gobble gooble gobble!
We accept her, we accept her!
You are number 6 5 4 3 2
I am not a number, I am a free man
We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass,
Give me my 20,000 in cash,
We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass,
I think you woke up the dead with that blast
We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass,
I think fast, I talk fast,
We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass,
Lois, this is not my Batman glass


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Tea Parties...

Cruel Intentions...

"3... 2... 1..."

Okay, this is nasty and cruel.

And I laughed.

I'm so ashamed.


Get a clue, Facebook...

I enjoy fartin' around on Facebook. I've been able to connect with friends, and reconnect with old friends. It's an easy way to send announcements and keep people informed as to what you're doing, what's going on, etc.

But lately, I've been getting the following message on my home page:The first four or five times this message appeared I figured, Okay, I'll go ahead and re-confirm my email address.

But it's been every single day. The same thing. The same message. I mean, come on! Do you REALLY need to re-confirm my email address fifty times?

So I'm ignoring it. And so far, nothing. Zip. Nada. I'm starting to think that some wiseguy at Facebook thought it would be fun to see how many times they could get people to click on the "re-confirm" link before they finally gave up.

Five was enough for me.

Who Dat? Celebrities At Their Finest

(This next one blew me away)

The answers (and a bunch more photos) can be found here

(Thanks for finding this one, Ames)

Lab Identification


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

New Orleans Swamp Tour

Well, I fulfilled a long-time fantasy today and took a swamp tour in New Orleans.

With Captain Bishop of Cajun Encounters, we set off on a two-hour trip up the muddy Pearl River, and along the way, saw turtles, snakes, blue heron, white ibis, Cajuns and a buttload of gators!

When you see it, you'll sh*t bricks

Looks like something out of "Pirates of the Caribbean," doesn't it?

A white ibis, the 2nd largest wading bird in Louisiana (the largest is the blue heron)

Cajuns still live way-y-y up the river

Absolutely the coolest part, though, was watching this alligator swim up to the side of the boat and having the captain feed her bits of a hot dog on the end of a stick. He told us that you can gauge the size of a gator by the distance between the end of the snout and the eyes. However many inches that is, that's how long the gator is in feet. Cindy here was a 10-footer!


The rest of the pictures can be viewed here, or as a slide show here

Ten Stupid Questions You Need To Stop Asking The Internet

1. How do I meet people?

Wait, my Spidey sense is tingling… yes, it's telling me that you're using a device (the Internet) which is a solitary activity! Holy Saints and Mother Mary of Virtue, it's a bloody epiphany! All you have to do is get off the Internet!

2. I have this sex problem…

Asking people in an Internet forum for sex advice is like asking a Catholic priest for sex advice… the only answer you'll get will be from the perspective of gross pedophiles with weird fetishes. In any case, 100% of the sex questions on the Internet boil down to "I'm a pathetic virgin so I don't know how to sex!" Time will fix that. If it doesn't, oh well, that was probably nature's way of saying "We have enough of you already!"

3. I have this strange pain…

The web is not your doctor. We especially love how people will be gushing blood from an artery, bones sticking out, major organs lying on the ground, a chunk of whatever hit them still sticking out of their head, and their first thought is to type out a message to post to a forum and patiently wait for an answer while their vision goes black. We admire that restraint, but please go be a problem for the ER.

4. Does anybody else…?

Yes, yes, yes, yesyesyes, yes, YES, and YEEESSSS!!!!! Everybody else does too. Everybody else highlights the text on the screen as they read, picks their nose at traffic lights, checks behind the shower curtain before they use the bathroom, has weird inexplicable fantasies about being ravaged by winged monkeys, thinks Lady Gaga is overrated, has a paranoid moment when they think the TV is talking just to them, and experiments with unorthodox shoe-lacing techniques. We're all clones. Why do people derive such pleasure from posting these mundane, boring, trivial discussions just to find out that, yes, Virginia, everybody really does wipe their ass after they poop?

5. What's the easiest way to learn…?

Easiest way to learn anything tech-related? Forget it. No way will be easy enough for you. Kill yourself. You are a useless sponge on humanity, and if you did manage to motivate yourself to undertake the career path you're set on, you would only turn out to be the very worst at what you do. We need another designer who started out saying "What's the least work I can possibly do?" like we need a new strain of AIDS. And we hope you need heart surgery and the only surgeon you get will be a pimply, fat, Cheeto-toothed loser like yourself who started out in IRC going "HOW DU EY LURN OPERASHUNS, LOL?"

6. I just got ripped off – what should I do?

There are only two possible answers to this one: (a) blow it off, or (b) go after them. Going after them will involve anything from legal attack to sending Mugsy and Bumbles to work the offender over with needle-nosed pliers and a blowtorch, but whatever. Really, this is a loser question. Winners make sure that they don't get ripped off in the first place, and then if they do get taken advantage of, they wisely take a lesson and are grateful for the experience and move on. How did you think life works, anyway?

7. So and so's really bothering me – can we ban them?

Get used to the idea that the Internet is one big global anarchy. There aren't nearly enough sheriffs to put all the bad guys in jail. Your average web forum has a staff of one to five people, and let's face it, nobody gets into website work expecting that they'll be chained 24/7 to a hot server. They get into website work because they want to play golf with the guys and laugh about how, right this minute, their site is earning ad revenue! They'll do the minimum to block the heaviest spammers and let the rest go. Your petty soap-opera squabble with another user is the kind of thing that gets deleted unread.

8. Can anybody recommend…?

Yes, of course, everybody can recommend another movie, song, band, album, cartoon, manga, anime, restaurant, sex position, dog grooming method, or sex position combined with dog grooming method. So can Google, Amazon, About, Yahoo, Dogpile, and 1,000,000 other search engines. The Internet is made out of search engines! What other kinds of answers do you think you're going to get? Do you think there's a special bootleg tier of films that only the people in this forum know about? Can't you just read the blurb on the DVD case like the rest of us do? Can't you just use a search engine like the rest of us do? Search engines! Use them! Use them! Search engines! Search engines! Use them! Search engines!

9. My so-and-so made this – what do you think?

We think you're lying like a thief. Yes, we could all rip the Mona Lisa, run three Photoslop filters on her, and post it claiming that our seven-year-old daughter did it, hoping for lots of upvotes and hits out of sympathy. It's called "glurge." We don't do it because we are not losers.

10. Why do I feel like such a loser?

Well, let's see here. Did you sit through school doped to the gills on Ritalin? And then go into ten lifetimes worth of debt to fund your way through college getting a degree in some random-ass field you couldn't care less about? And now you're stuck in some dead-end job and you're broke and have no friends and either can't get laid or are stuck with the closest person who fell into bed with you and has now turned into a horrible troll who doesn't love you? Gee, no, we can't tell why you feel this way.


The "Formula" Revealed

"And as you can plainly see, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Commonly Asked Questions About Men

To put a lot of matters to rest for once and for all - we of the Male Persuasion provide the answers that women have been asking in a straightforward Q&A session:

Why Are Men Such Jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter. Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood and modified.

Why Do Men Always Have To Ogle At Other Women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men have a memory somewhat lower than a Rhesus Monkey, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. Sort of like staring into the sun and burning the image into our retinas.

Why Do Men Always Touch Themselves, Especially In Public?

Obviously, because we can. We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why Do Men Always Say Such Stupid Things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why Are Men So Uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your mouth shut too if every time you opened it you got into trouble with your partner.

Why Do Men Have To Act Like Such Retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Why Can't Men Just Share Their Feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, a brick bouncing off our testicles, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache and a little gassy whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why Can't Men Cuddle More (i.e. Lie Down And Hug)?

Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... We hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now, on the other hand, sitting on our asses in front of the television for hours on end is a whole other story.

Speaking of Which, How CAN Men Sit On Their Asses All Day Without Moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful a hunters, the more he could sit for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability made easier by flattened bowels.

Why Can't Men Just Say "I Love You?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Okay, If That’s The Case, Then Why Do Men Say "I Love You" When They Hardly Know Me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

Then What DOES It Mean When Men Say "I Love You"?

One (or more) of seven things:

~~ 1. Please sleep with me.
~~ 2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
~~ 3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
~~ 4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
~~ 5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
~~ 6. Stop nagging me.
~~ 7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why Doesn't My Partner Ever Answer Me?

We just simply don't hear you nor have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why Won't Men Ever Pick Up After Themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.
What's With All The Belching And Farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. We have evolved. We can no longer saddle up beside you, pick ticks and other eatables from under your being men.....body gas is the next best thing.

Why Do Men Hate Shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, club it, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours sitting outside your dressing room, holding your bag, having a look on our face akin to having our testies slammed in the car door.

Why Can't Men Ever Leave The Toilet Seat Down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat? You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

Why Do Men Find Blonde Bimbos Attractive?

DUH!!!! Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could we ask for?

Why Do Men Act As If They Own The Remote Control?

What do you mean ACT? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. Woman's wrists are just too frail to push those big, bad buttons. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why Do Men Fear Commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what “commitment” means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

What Does It Mean When Men Say, "I'm Just Not Ready For A Relationship Right Now" Or "I Don't Want A Girl Friend?"

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

What Does It Mean When Men Say, "Can We Just Be Friends?"

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Do All Men Really Masturbate?


Why Do Men Generally Have Greater Upper Body Strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment, plus arm exercise.
(See also: Do All Men Really Masturbate?)

Why Do Men Generally Have Better Hand-Eye Or Spatial Coordinate Motor Coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice
(See also: Do All Men Really Masturbate?)

Why Are Men So Obsessed With Beautiful Women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Why Do Men Like Younger Women?

Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage.

Why Do Men Only Have One Thing On Their Minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex.....figuring out how to get our thumbs out of our butts … And don't forget... We also get hungry quite often.

How Can Men Possibly Find That Other Woman Attractive (i.e. Whatever Do You See In That Fat Pig)?

Even if you happen to be Scarlett Johanssen, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I’m a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

The Matrix on Windows XP


The Once and Forever James Bond

In case there was any question as to WHY Sean Connery was the Better Bond

Ironically, the one James Bond movie I really would've liked to see Sean Connery in was a Roger Moore flick - if, for nothing else, to hear him pronounce the name "Octo-pushy."

A Novel Way to Cheat on a Test (or a Pop Quiz! Get it???)

Well now... THIS could come in mighty handy...

I gotta admit... this is a new one, even for me.

As it has been since the beginning, click to biggify...


Monday, April 26, 2010

Photo of the Day

Okay, here's the story. Apparently, this guy had been standing in line to get his photo taken with Leonard Nimoy. When it got to be his turn, he said, "Let's do THIS," made the hand gesture, and the photo was snapped. Judging by the way the crowd was cheering and Nimoy was grinning ear to ear, it was apparent that he was completely oblivious of the cultural significance of the Shocker.

Which shall henceforth be known as the Spocker.

A European's Thoughts About America After Visiting Orlando

• You all live in hotels. Everybody I saw was also living in my hotel; there were a lot of other hotels down the street. As a European, that's really strange to me. We live in houses and apartment buildings (also sometimes castles). I think that it has something to do with American commercialism and cultural imperialism.

• I had to pay an "entrance fee" to visit the city of Orlando, which apparently is owned and operated by the Disney Corp. That's insane. In Europe, corporations aren't allowed to own towns, and you certainly don't have to pay to visit them. This probably has to do with the fact that Europe is older and has more history and so we don't do things like that, also America is all about money.

• Also, our train systems in Europe are much better developed than in the US. In my town, I can wake up, walk only 2km to the bus stop, take that to a train and be in the city center in time for supper. Whereas your trains are very slow and only stop at Main Street, Toontown and Frontierland

• A lot of you seem to enjoy dressing up as Disney characters. That was really weird for me. In Europe (where I'm from) people just dress normally. Sure, I like Disney movies (grew up with them), but it just seems odd and a little tacky to actually dress up like Goofy and walk around asking people if they want to take photos with you. It probably has something to do with the lack of culture in America (brands and popular icons are substituted for actual culture, i.e. like for instance for example Mozart and Louis XIV, both Europeans). And vanity.

• Everything was fake, from the castle right down to the little "towns" that were actually just overpriced concession stands. I come from a small village in Europe where everybody knows each other and where you can walk to your baker and get bread from him and he won't even ask you to pay because he knows you're good for it because he knew your dad and your dad was a good man who fought against the damn Boches in World War I. It's so weird for me, as a European with actual culture and an actual sense of space and community, to see that all towns in America are actually concession stands operated by Disney Corp. No wonder you're so fat.

• Nobody knows each other. But you do have a lot of foreigners. There were French, English, German, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, and all kinds of people there -- I have to respect you for that. Also, the rides were pretty sweet.

Anyways, that's what I got out of my visit to Orlando, FL. America is a weird place. I hate to generalise, though. So, next time I'm going to visit Las Vegas, NV to get a good sense of what the "Wild West" is all about.


T-Shirt of the Week!

You can order yours here

Hong Kong architect transforms tiny 330 sq. ft. apartment into a 24-room house. Wow.

The Internet Interprets World Events: Iceland v. Europe.


Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Strippers

(Well, maybe not everything...)

Without spending too much time thinking about the double entendre, click to biggify


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Thanks, Teabaggers! (From the CEO of Crayola Crayons)

Crayola CEO Michelle Perry expresses her heartfelt gratitude to Tea Party protesters for making Crayola-brand markers the official protest sign markers.

Off to the Big Easy!

Gonna be in New Orleans for the next few days. I LOVE that town, and the people there. It is, with the exception of home town Seattle, absolutely my favorite place to visit. Yes siree! The Big Easy until Wednesday.

Then Detroit.



You Know You’re From New Orleans When…

You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads.

You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.

When you give directions you use “lakeside and riverside’ not north & south.

Your ancestors are buried above the ground.

You get on a green trolley car to go to the park and a red one to the French Quarter.

You listen to holiday songs such as “the 12 Yats of Christmas” and “Santa and His Reindeer Used to Live Next Door.”

You walk on the “banquet” and stand in the “neutral ground” “by ya mommas.”

Someone asks for directions and you stop and help them with a smile.

You start an angel food cake with a roux.

You think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.

You think boudin, hogshead cheese, and a Bud is a bland diet.

You think Ground Hog Day and the Boucherie Festival are the same holiday.

You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco.

Fred’s Lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.

You have an *envie* for something instead of a craving.

You use a “#3″ washtub to cover your lawn mower or your outboard motor.

You use two or more pirogues to cover your tomatoes to protect them from the late frost.

You use a gill net to play tennis, badminton, or volleyball.

The horsepower of your outboard motor is greater than that of your car motor.

You pass up a trip abroad to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge.

You are asked to name the Holy Trinity and your reply is “onions, celery, bell pepper.”

You let your black coffee cool, and find that it has gelled.

You describe a link of boudin and cracklins as “breakfast.”

Every once in a while, you have waterfront property.

Your mama announces each morning, “Well, I’ve got the rice cooking …what will we have for dinner?”

None of your potential vacation destinations are north of the old Mississippi River Bridge (US 190).

You refer to Louisiana winters as “Gumbo Weather.”

You get a disappointing look from your wife and describe it as, “She passed me a pair of eyes.”

You think of gravy as a beverage.

You greet your long lost friend at the Lafayette Regional Airport with “AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

You sit down to eat boiled Crawfish and your host says, “Don’t eat the dead ones,” and you know what he means.

You learned Bourre the hard way: Holding yourself upright in your crib.

You don’t know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.

You give up Tabasco for Lent.

You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.

You don’t learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras throws.

You leave a parade with footprints on your hands.

You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together

Your last name isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled.

You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You like your rice and your politics dirty.

No matter where else you go in the world, you are always disappointed in the food.

Your loved one dies and you book a jazz band before you call the coroner.

Your accent sounds nothing like Harry Connick, Jr’s.

You can sing these jingles by heart: “Rosenberg’s, Rosenberg’s, 1825 Tulane;” “At the beach, at the beach, the Pontchartrain Beach…”

You ask, “How they running?” and “Are they fat?” but, you’re inquiring about seafood quality and not the Cresent City Classic.

When a hurricane is imminent, you have a lot more faith in Nash Roberts than some Super Doppler 6000.

Nothing shocks you. Period. Ever.

Being in a jam at Tulane and Broad isn’t the same as being stuck in traffic.

Your idea of health food is a baked potato instead of fries with your seafood platter.

You have to take your coffee and favorite coffeemaker with you on a three-day trip.

You have sno-ball stains on your shoes.

You call tomato sauce “red gravy.”

Your middle name is your mother’s maiden name, or your father’s mother’s maiden name, or your mother’s mother’s maiden name, or your grandmother’s mother’s maiden name, or your grandfather’s mother’s maiden name.

On certain spring days, Crawfish Monica is your breakfast.

Your house payment is less than your utility bill.

You’ve done your laundry in a bar.

You look forward to being smashed by a Hurricane.

You don't show your "pretties" during Mardi Gras (but you watch others).

You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.

Catching "crabs" makes you smile.

You write "crookedpolitician" as all one word.

You know it's "ask" but you purposely say "ax."

You understand it when someone describes their favorite color as K&B purple.

You know how to mispronounce street names correctly. (Melpomene, Terpsichore, Chartres, etc.)

You “boo” the mayor on national television.

You wear sweaters in October because it ought to be cold.

Someone asks you, "Where y'at?" and you tell them how you are.

You are left behind at an out-of-town bar searching for a "go cup."

You think of potholes as naturally occurring speed bumps.

Your grandparents are called “Maw-Maw” and “Paw-Paw.”

Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.

You pinch the tail, suck the heads, sing the blues and you actually know where you got them shoes.

You shake out your shoes before putting them on.

You don’t think it inappropriate to refer to a large adult male as “Li’l Bubba.”

You know why you should never, ever swim by the Lake Pontchartrain steps (for more than one reason).

You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a “New Orleans-based” movie or TV show.

You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.

You waste more time navigating back streets than you would if you just sat in traffic.

You still call the Fairmont Hotel, the Roosevelt.

You consider garbage cans a legal step to protecting your parking space on a public street.

You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four box fans.

Your one-martini lunch becomes a five-Bloody Mary afternoon… and you keep your job.

You exhibit the "doubloon reflex" by stomping runaway coins with your foot.

You’re walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer. When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.

You refer to people older than you as Mr. or Mrs. and their first name.

You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you’ve eaten.

Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside.

You were a high school graduate before you realized that Catholic and Public were not two major religions.

Your baby's first words are "long beads."

You consider garbage cans a legal step to protecting your parking space on a public street.

You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four box fans.

You ignore cockroaches because you know the only ones you could kill are the weak or infirmed, and it would only serve to strengthen the breed.

Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don’t care because you’re No. 1 on the party chart, and THE SAINTS DONE WON THE SUPER BOWL!

I got those "Recommendation Letter Blues"

S0… you don’t really want to write that letter of recommendation, but you’re afraid of either
~~ (a) offending a friend,
~~ (b) having your ass sued off,
~~ (c) having your ass whupped, or,
~~ (d) any combination of the above…

Then WORRY NO MORE! Try one (or more) of these litigation-proof statements and sleep well at night, knowing you’ve made the World a little better

To describe someone who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

To describe a person with lackluster credentials:

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

In the “Probably Not Anytime Soon” Department…


Worthy Cause: Everybody Draw Mohammed Day!

The whole point of this isn't to offend Muslims, it’s to offend censors. There are no sacred cows in comedy (see The Aristocrats for more on this). If you are offended by something on television, change the channel, close your eyes or walk away. Don't send death threats to the show’s creators.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

My New Phone!

I got tired of waiting for the iPhone to come out on Verizon, so I got me a Droid

Imagine if the Tea Party Was Black

Let’s play a game, shall we? The name of the game is called “Imagine.” The way it’s played is simple: we’ll envision recent happenings in the news, but then change them up a bit. Instead of envisioning white people as the main actors in the scenes we’ll conjure - the ones who are driving the action - we’ll envision black folks or other people of color instead. The object of the game is to imagine the public reaction to the events or incidents, if the main actors were of color, rather than white. Whoever gains the most insight into the workings of race in America, at the end of the game, wins.

So let’s begin.

Imagine that hundreds of black protesters were to descend upon Washington DC and Northern Virginia, just a few miles from the Capitol and White House, armed with AK-47s, assorted handguns, and ammunition. And imagine that some of these protesters —the black protesters — spoke of the need for political revolution, and possibly even armed conflict in the event that laws they didn’t like were enforced by the government? Would these protesters — these black protesters with guns — be seen as brave defenders of the Second Amendment, or would they be viewed by most whites as a danger to the republic? What if they were Arab-Americans? Because, after all, that’s what happened recently when white gun enthusiasts descended upon the nation’s capital, arms in hand, and verbally announced their readiness to make war on the country’s political leaders if the need arose.

(Read the rest of the article here)