Status Updates

I just got back from the funeral of a guy who died after being hit in the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

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I bought a pair of shoes from this guy who turned out to be a drug dealer. I’m not sure exactly what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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Just as I was thinking that 2016 is finally over, Wham!

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Rest of the World:  Kilometers
America:  No
Rest of the World:  Celsius
America:  No
Rest of the World: Daylight Savings Time was last week
America:  No
Rest of the World: Day  Month  Year
America:  No
Rest of the World: Drives on the right side of the road
America:  HELL  YESSSS
UK:  Wait

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Technically speaking, there is a lot of food in my house.

However, none of it is sweet and none of it is microwaveable.

Therefore, there is no food in my house.

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You know that period between Christmas and New Year’s where you don’t know what day it is, who you are, or what you’re supposed to be doing?

Yeah, I’m pretty much there 24/7.

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There should be a Los Angeles Edition of Monopoly, where you just move around the board paying rent, but you’re never able to buy anything.

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I lost my watch at a party, then saw this guy stepping on in while seriously harassing one of the women there. I walked up to the dude and punched him in the face. No one does that to a woman. Not on my watch.

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If I had a hammer, well, it would probably sit unmolested in the toolbox in the basement. Come to think of it, I probably *do* have a hammer.

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See, if ~I~ had been Voldemort, one of MY horcruxes would’ve been the artificial heart in a sick kid.

Your move, Harry.