Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women

Friday, January 1, 2016

It's the First Day of the Year! You know what THAT means! Some STAR TREK stuff!

Ten Things We Learned from Star Trek

* There's never enough power to run away and keep your shields up at the same time.

* Women from other worlds are strangely attracted to pot-bellied ham actors.

* Asked how long to fix the warp core, overestimate the time by at least a day.

* Klingons have yet to discover Oil of Olay.

* Betazoid powers are obviously ineffective during poker games.

* All warp engines can exceed design specifications if you really need them to.

* You can find parking in San Francisco.

* Never ask an android or a Vulcan for a neck rub.

* No matter how many starships you lose as a captain, you'll be given another one.

• If Kirk, Spock, and McCoy need a fourth for a landing party, don't volunteer. You'll die!

(Thanks, Miss C!)


(A bunch more can be found here)


42. One Word: Hair.
41. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
40. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
39. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
38. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
37. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
36. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
35. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
34. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
33. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
32. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
31. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
30. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
29. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
28. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
27. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
26. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busybody named after a letter of the alphabet.
25. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
24. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
23. Picard never met Joan Collins.
22 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
21. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
20. Kirk knows how to deal with peace-loving hippy goofs.
19. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
18. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he only asks Spock.
17. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
16. One Word: Fisticuffs.
15. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
14. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
13. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
12. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
11. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
10. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
9. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
8. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
7. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
6. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
5. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
4. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
3. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick


25. When Picard marries a couple, he doesn't lose the groom in battle.
24. Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard.
23. Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus & kicked their butts.
22. Kirk never met a female alien he didn't like...
21. Kirk bested an old, tired-ass has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested an omnipotent being several times.
20. Picard can be vulnerable with women.
19. Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you've got a holodeck).
18. Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.
17. Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council.
16. Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs.
15. Picard became a Borg.
14. Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn't need spectacles to read it.
13. Picard can fence.
12. Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does.
11. Picard is a wine connoisseur.
10. Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons of the first series.
9. Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake him out for an entire episode.
8. Picard didn't let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his ship while sticking him in her body.
7. Picard hasn't EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of furry hairballs which reproduce.
6. Picard doesn't lose as many red shirts.
5. Picard has killed Klingons in hand to hand combat on several different occasions.
4. Picard takes the Prime Directive seriously.
3. Picard can swear in Klingon.
2. Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the bowels of the ship.
1. Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self control.


101. Two Words: better voice.
100. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.
99. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.
98. Picard fire both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.
97. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.
96. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.
95. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still managed to make her fall for him.
94. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.
93. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.
92. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.
91. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.
90. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
89. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
88. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has kept Worf for seven years.
87. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
86. Two words: better actor.
85. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
84. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and all of humanity while still a lowly captain.
83. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not saying much.
82. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
81. Picard's crew gambles.
80. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.
79. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
78. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
77. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.
76. No cheesy sideburns. 'Nuff said.
75. Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a former captain anywhere.
74. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet Headquarters. Kirk’s name is an anathema to Starfleet Headquarters and alien races alike.
73. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he MEANS it.
72. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
71. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
70. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
69. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
68. Picard has never been demoted.
67. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
66. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
65. Picard has never encountered aliens from weird planets like "Zatar."
64. Picard's quarters have a window.
63. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
62. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.
61. Picard is a caffeine addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)
60. One word: Leadership.
59. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.
58. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose commander was Christopher Lloyd.
57. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who once made a career out of selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.
56. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with rocket boots to save him.
55. Picard would never stand for playing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" around a campfire.
54. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.
53. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.
52. When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching and caring about.
51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.
50. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about with 17th century weaponry.
49. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.
48. If poor judgment were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.
47. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting on a face which only made things worse.
46. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic squabbles.
45. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.
44. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
43. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
42. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)
41. Picard has hair on his chest.
40. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.
39. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view at all times.
38. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.
37. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.
36. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
35. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
34. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret, even from her son.
33. Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.
32. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
31. Picard has never been bitten by a Mugatto, nor has he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship, either.
30. Picard has never aged prematurely.
29. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
28. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
27. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
26. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
25. When Picard talks, people listen.
24. If Picard were a late-night talk show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night talk show host, he'd be Chevy Chase.
23. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."
22. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.
21. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.
20. Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.
19. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
18. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
17. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a Gorn.
16. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
15. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the Klingons.
14. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.
13. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it took Kirk.
12. Three words: Better costume variety.
11. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures to respect him.
10. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.
9. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."
8. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.
7. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures & has done so on a number of occasions.
6. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).
5. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
4. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
3. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta be the shoes...
2. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
1. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.

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