Why do the Minnesota Vikings wear purple as a team color?
If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?
(a) None. They just compliment it, then get mad
when it won't screw.
(b) None. They all just stand around telling it
that it doesn’t need to change, then get mad
when another guy comes in and screws it.
(c) Trick question. Feminists can’t change anything.
Here’s something… archeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
I’ll show myself out.
If dinosaurs were so dumb, explain to me how they had the foresight to die off before the Kardashians had a TV show.
Now that we've had Iraq-gate, Iran-gate, Monica-gate, Blackout-gate, and Deflate-gate, I can only imagine what they'll call the scandal involving the surreptitious fluoridation of the national water supply.
TSA is The Bomb
No one can claim they are indecisive. They can only possibly be or maybe are indecisive.
I could be wrong, though. Actually, I have no idea.
Today I gave all my dead batteries away.
Free of charge!
How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?
One, if there's nobody looking.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He’s drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.