Random Status Updates

Here’s a thought – if Steve Jobs had been reincarnated to a Chinese family, he’d now be old enough to make iPhones again!

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I’m not afraid of sweatshop workers, but they do make me puma pants.

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Sort of bummed. I’ve been trying for quite some time now to convince Marlee Matlin of my undying love for her, but my pleadings fall on… well, you know.

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Hey kids, do you remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood is like.

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I used to think “Queue” was just Q, followed by four silent letters, but now I realize they’re just waiting their turn.

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Way-y-y-y-y back when I was married, I’d read somewhere that it’s considered good manners to drink tea with your pinky sticking out. So naturally, I did that when the ladies from the church came to visit us. My ex, however, was furious. Apparently, the “pinky” is a finger.

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How am I supposed to make big decisions when I still have to sing the entire alphabet to get the right letter?

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Weed causes short-term memory loss is caused by weed.

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Say what you want about Kanye and Kim naming their daughter North West, but there’s no denying that this child is going straight to the top… and slightly to the left.

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How come they don’t sell advertising on the Hulk?

After all, he’s basically a giant Banner.