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Thursday, July 7, 2016

An Open Letter To The Incoming Alien Invasion Fleet

An oPEN Letter To The incoming Alien invasion Fleet
It’s probably taken you several thousand years to get here. That means your last reconnaissance mission depicted a planet of primitive tribal savages, with the occasional larger group controlled by a delusional god emperor. You should know that we’ve made some progress since then. We have enough weapons to devastate almost all human life on this planet. We are a planet of retarded monkey-men who kill each other by the millions because we come from different arbitrary scraps of desert.. A hundred years ago we barely knew how to build a plane that could fly for 20 minutes. 50 years later we had invented (and used on each other) nuclear weapons and had landed on the moon. You may think we’re just some subservient race of mammals that you can feast on, but I guarantee you that if you lay one tentacle arm on Planet Earth, you guys are gonna have the entire planet’s arsenal at your doorstep, and that includes giant thermonuclear warheads, biological weapons, robotic death drones – and, while we’re at it – computer viruses which will render your fleet useless. When you try to retreat, you will find that your navigations systems are malfunctioning. We call this “the RickRoll.”

Once we’ve disabled your ships, we’ll board them and convert them to suit our needs. We’ll achieve hundreds of years of technological progress in a decade through reverse engineering. We will board your starships by the millions, come to your planet, F***ING RAPE AND EAT YOU (some of us get off on tentacle porn, and who doesn’t love calamari?) and then force your children to accept our religious texts. Most of us will never question the morality of this, as we are a fundamentally amoral species. Did I mention that most of the world believes they have an omnipotent supernatural being on their side which can be used to justify any action, no matter how atrocious? We’ll addict you to crack, meth, heroin, and Cheez-Whiz. We’ll “allow” your brood to stitch our Nike sneakers for $0.005/h (by the way, $/h is a unit we use that divides how much we value you as an individual by 1/24th the rotational period of Earth). We’ll force you to watch reruns of “Jersey Shore” and “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here!” They aren’t supposed to make sense. We’ll open up McDonald’s and strip clubs, sometimes in the same establishment. We just don’t give a shit. After we own your planet and you are dead, we’ll start having wars with each other again. We’ll transform the earth into a paradise and convert half your planet into a nuclear waste disposal site, and the other half into a giant food-processing plant. Global warming will eventually render your planet inhospitable. Come to think of it, it’s a good thing you guys showed up, because we’re so f***ing out to lunch that we were willing to do this to our own planet before you arrived. A few thousand years from now, there won’t be a single human alive that remembers our original “invasion.” Between humanity’s first extraterrestrial genocide (although we probably won’t define it as such) and then we will probably have had several miniature nuclear holocausts. Our societies will revert back to tribal warfare and any notion that you had ever existed at all will be all but removed from the galaxy. Then we begin the process all over again.

That’s just how we roll.

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