Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Are you a Turtle?

If you are a veteran of WW2, the Korean War, or Vietnam (or a college student during the 60's and 70's, or were/are a member of the Masons, Elks or American Legion) you may very well have been asked this seemingly bizarre question.

It was (and is) a way to determine if you'd been inducted into the Ancient and Honorable Order of Turtles. Described as "an honorable drinking fraternity composed of ladies and gentlemen of the highest morals and good character, who are never vulgar," whose Official Creed is, "Turtles are bright eyed, bushy tailed, fearless and unafraid folk with a fighter pilot attitude. They think clean, have fun a lot, and recognize the fact that you never get any place in life worthwhile unless you stick your neck out."

To gain admission, one must answer four from a list of about 25-30 qualifying questions. Each question suggests a vulgar, lewd, or salacious answer, but the actual correct answer is rather innocuous.

Once inducted, the only correct answer to the question, "Are you a turtle?" is, "You bet your sweet ass I am." It is assumed that all prospective turtles own a diabetic donkey, one of a sweet and kindly disposition. If the member is unable or unwilling (perhaps because of the restriction on vulgarity) to provide the correct answer, he or she owes to each other turtle present a drink of the recipient's choice.

The questions vary, but here's at least a partial list:

1. What does a woman do sitting down that a man does standing up and a dog does on three legs?

2. What word begins with the letter F and ends with CK?

3. What's hairy, hard and sticks out of a mans pajamas at night?

4. What four letter word ends in K and means intercourse?

5. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two?

6. What goes in hard but comes out soft and wet?

7. What does a dog do that a man steps in?

8. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much they often blow?

9. What is the word that is four letters long, ends in u-n-t that is used to describe a woman?

10. What four letter word begins with F and ends with K, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

11. What is hard, about six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

12. What four letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of bird cages?

13. What is it that all men have one of, that is longer on some men than others, that the Pope doesn't use, and that a man gives his wife after they're married?

14. What is it on a man that gets very large when he gets excited?

15. What is long, round, wet and full of seamen?

16. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?

17. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

18. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

19. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. What am I?

20. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?

21. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

22. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

23. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

24. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

25. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

26. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?

27. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. What am I?

Now check your answers below by scrolling your cursor between the asterisks...


1. Shake hands
2. Firetruck
3. Head
4. Talk
5. Legs
6. Chewing gum
7. Pants
8. A $20 bill
9. Aunt
10. Fork
11. Candy bar
12. Grit
13. A last name
14. Pupils
15. A submarine
16. Nose
17. Peanut butter
18. A wrecking ball
19. The Titanic
20. A tent
21. Dentist
22. A wedding ring
23. Elevator
24. Newspaper
25. Gloves
26. An arrow
27. A lawyer


"You bet your sweet ass I am!"

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