You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona, where…
1. You’re willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to ANYWHERE in California, where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City, where…
1. You say “The City” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual
5. You’ve worn out a car horn (if you HAVE a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to the Deep South, where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names.
5. Everything is either “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference.
You can retire to North Dakota, where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
6. Grease is considered an essential food group.
7. Remote car starters are considered a necessity.
8. You’ll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
9. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
10. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day
11. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
12. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
13. The first day of hunting season is a school holiday.
You can retire to Colorado, where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to Florida, where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends ANYWHERE in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.