Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women

Thursday, February 28, 2019

How many?


Yeah, aren't we all...


The Phone Call

When one of his employees didn't show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"

The boss asked "Is your Daddy home?" to which the small voice replied "Yes".

The man asked "Can I please speak to him?", but to his surprise, the small voice whispered "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked "What about your Mommy, is she there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Growing a bit concerned, the boss asked "Is there anyone there besides you?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me!"

THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Zee vs. Zed: Why We're Right and the Rest of the English-Speaking World is WRONG"

(originally published on June 12, 2011)

Zee vs. Zed:
Why We're Right
and the Rest of the English-Speaking World is WRONG

I used to live in England.  Lovely country, wonderful people, lousy weather. 

When speaking with someone I'd just met, the conversation would often go in the following direction:

"Oh, you're an American!  I love your accent!"

"Are you kidding?  I'm the only person on this Island who doesn't HAVE an accent!"

(Polite laughter) "Oh, you Americans are so funny. Remember, we invented the language."

"Yeah, you invented it, but we perfected it."

At which point the discussion would pretty much devolve into a debate regarding the relative merits of our respective languages.

The British (and Canada, and Australia, and New Zealand, and pretty much all the rest of the English-speaking societies) have some different terminologies for common words.

            What We Call           They Call

             Pants                        Trousers
             Car Trunk                  Boot
             Sweater                    Jumper
             Pencil eraser             Rubber (you can have fun with that)
             Dessert                     Pudding
             Cookie                      Biscuit
             Soccer                      Football (okay, I'll give them that one)

…and a bunch of others.  The one, though, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever is that they refer to the last letter of the alphabet as “Zed.”  That’s flat out wrong.  It’s preposterous.  And I can prove it.

It’s because of The Song.  The Alphabet Song.

We all know it.  We learned our ABC’s because of it.  Our parents and teachers taught us and we pass it on to our kids.

To refresh your memory, the song goes:

QRS, TU – Vee
W, X, Y and… “

Now WHAT rhymes with “Vee?”  Hmmm, let’s think.  A word, beginning with the last letter of the alphabet which rhymes with “Vee.” 

Here’s a hint:  It ain’t “Zed.” 

Try it.  Sing it with “Zed” as the last word.

QRS, TU – Vee
W, X, Y and… zed.”

It sounds like you’re running into a wall.

Game over, you lose.  We kicked your ass in 1776, and we’re doing again today.

America – 1
England (and the REST of the English-Speaking World)NIL!

Spot the Brit

Ah, ah, ah, ah...


What if...

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

The World's Deepest Sinkhole

The Xiaozhai Tiankeng (小寨天坑), also known as the “Heavenly Pit”, is the world’s deepest sinkhole.

Located in Fenglie County of Chongqing Municipality in China, the sinkhole measures 2054 feet long, 1762 feet wide, and 2172 feet deep. To give you some perspective, you could stack Seattle’s Space Needle on top of the Empire State Building (including the antennae), and it would still be over a hundred feet below the surface. It's so huge it has its own ecosystem, and scientists have identified more than 1,285 plants and animals living in the sinkhole. There are even some clouded leopards that have been spotted prowling about in the trees at the bottom.

Think YOU'RE having a bad day?


Website Wednesday 19.9

Website Wednesday
a subsidiary ofSkip's House of Chaos
(The 234,453rd Most Interesting Man in the World)

"From the Large Intestine of the Internets,

through the Sphincter of Electronic Mail, 
peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..." 

                            Do ever feel like your body’s “Check Engine” light has been on
                            for a while, but you’re still driving it like, “Nah, it’ll be fine”?

Top of the heap:  'Dragon Aurora' dancing over Iceland captured in stunning photo  (Thanks, Laura!)

The Best Portable Apps That Require No Installation

What this Clam Does Next WON'T Shock You!

Anybody want to go to a Time Traveler Party? You can't be late!

Florida brewery unveils six-pack rings that feed sea turtles rather than kill them (Thanks, Champ!)

What you need to know about Trump's attacks on the Federal Family Planning Program

If We Find Aliens, This Is the Protocol For Announcing It to the World

Even if we never see the Mueller report, there's plenty of it already in plain view

18 Ways You're Using Your Microwave All Wrong

"Border Lies" - Randy Rainbow's new parody song

Being a Best Friend to Your Dog

This Spider's Eyes Still Glow, 110 Million Years Later

The Great Glass Coffin Scam: When Hucksters Sold the Fantasy of Death Without Decay

The Americans Who Live in a Bubble

The story of the Toxic Lady

Why we wear pants

Why Is the Genie in 'Aladdin' Blue?

56 Rare, Groovy Photos

How to Be a Local Character: Five Basic Examples

The Most Sinful States in America (C'mon, Vermont... it's like you're not even trying)

Drones are changing the way police respond to 911 calls

Love you, mean it. Let's do lunch. Have your people call my people. Ciao, bella. 
 Skip    ಠ_ಠ

 Website Wednesday archives

(If you'd like to subscribe to the Website Wednesday mailing list,
shoot me an email and let me know)

This e-mail, the files transmitted with it, and the sender of this email are the property of Skip's House of Chaos and/or its affiliates.  This email is confidential, and is intended solely for use of the individual or entity to whom this email is addressed.  If you are not one of the named recipient(s) or otherwise have reason to believe that you have received this message in error, please notify the sender, delete this message from your computer, destroy your computer immediately, forget all that you have seen and turn yourself over to the proper authorities.  Any other use, retention, observation, dissemination, consideration, recollection, forwarding ridicule, printing, viewing, copying, or unauthorized memorization of this e-mail without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited. The contents of this e-mail are not intended to be taken literally.  Void where prohibited by law or common sense.  Not valid in Rhode Island, Guam and the Xinhua province in China. Condiments available upon request.  A transcript of this e-mail is available free of charge.  Cash value = 1/20 of once cent.  All rights reserved. © 2019.

Public Service Announcement


The Greatest Dad Joke in the Movies, Ever


Bad Mood

They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

What This Clam Does WON'T Shock You!

I just got back from a week-long diving trip to the Philippines. While there, I encountered something I’d never seen before – a species of saltwater clam called Ctenoides ales – commonly referred to as an “Electric Clam” or “Disco Clam.”  Flashes of what appear to be blue-white electricity course through the creature, sort of what you might see in an electric eel.

Turns out, though, it ain’t electricity that’s doing the flashing.  According to Lindsey Dougherty, a researcher from the University of California Berkeley, it turns out that the lights are not from bioluminescence, but instead are only from reflection of sunlight in the ocean (or, in my case, a couple of 1200-lumen underwater flashlights I use when taking photos and videos). The clams have a highly reflective tissue on the very outer edge of their mantle that is exposed and then hidden very quickly, so the change back and forth from the white reflective tissue to the red tissue creates the appearance of flashing.

So the next time you encounter one of these incredible creatures, go ahead. Stick your finger in it.  Then tell me what happens.


The 2019 Epic Philippines Caper

Last week, I led a group of 25 divers from Eco Dive Center on a 9-day trip to the El Galleon Resort in Puerto Galera, Philippines. It was a return trip for me. I made the same trip last year with Spock, my best friend from high school (his real name is John, but he bore such a remarkable resemblance to Leonard Nimoy back in the day, the nickname stuck. At least with me). When we arrived, this was hanging by the entrance.

(Long story. It involves cracking open what was SUPPOSED to be a raw egg during a deep dive to 100' (it was hardboiled), and the jokes that ensued. "The yolk's on you," "Eggshellent," "You're never going to get ova it," Eggscetera)

Spock celebrated his birthday while we were there, so natch, we had a party...

And, obviously, the diving was incredible

One of the evenings was an 80's-themed wig party. These are some of the tamer pics...

The staff presented us with custom-made T-shirts...

...and were all on hand to see us off.
We're gonna miss you guys, but we'll see you next year!

(all of the pictures and videos can be viewed here)

TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "Hungarian Goulash #5" by Allan Sherman

Hungarian Goulash #5

If you like Hungarian food,
They have a goulash which is very good.
Or if you wish a dish that's Chinese,
Somewhere down in Column B there's Lobster Cantonese.

Enchiladas, that's what people eat in Mexico.
Shish kebab is skewered, in Armenia you know.
Then there's blubber, the favorite of the frigid Eskimo.
Such delicious dishes, no matter where you go.

Chicken cacciatore is Italian.
Kangaroo soufflé must be Australian.
Mutton chops are definitely British.
Chicken soup undoubtedly is Yiddish.

Pumpernickel comes from Lithuania.
Hasenpfeffer comes from Pennsylvania.
Wiener schnitzel's Austrian or German.
Kindly pass the sauerbraten, Herman.

Borscht is what they're eating in the Soviet.
Wait, I think we've got some on the stove yet.
See the Mau Maus, underneath the jungle sky.
Jolly Mau Maus, eating missionary pie.

Frenchmen eat a lot of bouillabaisse there.
Dutchmen eat a sauce called Hollandaise there.
Smorgasbord in Swedish is the winner.
In America it's TV dinner.

So there you have one food from each land.
Each one delicious, each one simply grand.
Mix them all up, in one big mish mash.
And what have you got? Hungarian Goulash!



Choose 4


Sunday, February 24, 2019

The Optimist

Okay, let's see...

                    ✓  The Optimist
                    ✓  The Hoper of Far-Flung Hopes
                    ✓  The Dreamer of Impossible Dreams

                                 Yep. That’s me.


Losing her hearing

An old man decided that his wife was losing her hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her ears checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

And she says, "For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"