SHOC

SHOC
Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women

Monday, May 17, 2021

Wait, what???





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Propaganda





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MONDAY MIND GAME

A wise man is lost in the desert with no water. He encounters a wise guy who is drinking from a jug. Seeing the wise man approach, the wise guy corks the jug. “May I have some of your water, please?” the wise man asks. “I am dying of thirst.”

The wise guy replies, 

“Yes, but only if you agree to three conditions: 

     1) You mustn't remove the cork from the jug; 
     2) You mustn't break up the cork or make a hole in it; and 
     3) You must not damage the jug or make a hole in it.” 

The wise man agrees.

How does he do it?






Give up?
Drag your cursor between the asterisks for the answer:



*

As the wise guy was drinking from the jug, the wise man knows it isn’t full. So he just pushes the cork down into the jug.

*

Not afraid to ask the tough questions...





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How Antivaxxers Sound to the Rest of Us





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HAPPY MONDAY, LITTLE DUCKS!


It's the thought that counts, innit?





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Saturday, May 15, 2021

The Eye of the Beholder




(Thanks, Gay! MKAP x ) 

One day, at the sandwich shop...





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So, you think your fingers can dance?

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.  They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Mary, "What shall I do?"  

"Turn the windshield wipers on. "That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.  

"Switch on the windshield washer! I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. 

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary opens the window and shouts:


"GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!"

Reminiscing



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This week's Moment of Zen


The Zuckerbot





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Friday, May 14, 2021

Five, four, three, two, one...




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Princess Machete





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A Heartwarming Story

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a Roo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, 'Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch.”





(Thanks, Billy!)

Mmmmmm, Omelette...





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FACTOID FRIDAY


Nice Try




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Thursday, May 13, 2021

Of COURSE there's a German word for that





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Wait, what?





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One day, at a local restaurant...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, a Minnesotan and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, an Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant….

“I’m sorry,” says the maĆ®tre d’, “you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

Busted




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THROWBACK THURSDAY - "NYU Admissions Letter"

(Originally published on October 21, 2006)




Well, an “A” for Effort, Anyway
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU in response to the following question:

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.  I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing, I can pilot up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  I enjoy urban hang-gliding.  On Wednesdays after school, I repair electrical appliances for the elderly free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie.  Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes.  Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration.  I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.  Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I once read “Paradise Lost,” “Moby Dick” and “David Copperfield” in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. 

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full  contact origami.  Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Interpretations





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One of the best pleasures of life

You have a dirty mind.





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