SHOC

SHOC
Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

I'll just leave this here


TWEETS OF THE WEEK


Light-Fingers Larry

Light-Fingers Larry, the notorious cat burglar, was at it again. He’d been burgling houses for most of his adult life, and had never even been close to being caught.

All that was about to change.

It was a dark and stormy night (it really wasn’t, I’ve just always wanted to use that phrase in a story). Larry had performed his usual deft magic and had broken into a large, opulent house. He was just finishing up and heading back to the window he had jimmied open when, directly in his path of escape, was a large, snarling, black Rottweiler.

Larry froze.

The beast was snarling and baring its teeth, but made no further moves toward him. Ever so slowly, Larry started to inch backward, but as soon as he did, the Rottweiler’s snarls increased and he started to move toward him. Larry froze again, and the dog continued his low, ominous growls, but stopped moving toward him.

This time, Larry tried inching toward his left, but as soon as he did, the dog growled louder and prepared to pounce, then toward the right with the same result.

Larry was starting to panic when he heard a voice behind him say, “You’re in trouble now!” Desperate, Larry said, “Please, go ahead and call the police. I’ll give myself up peacefully. Just call the dog off!”

Again he heard, “You’re in trouble now!”

Slowly, as to not incite the beast to attack, Larry turned his head to get a look at his tormentor. Sitting behind him on a perch was a large Parrot.

“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”

Over and over the bird repeated the same phrase, and the Rottweiler kept up his menacing snarls.

“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”


Finally, Light-Fingers couldn’t take it any longer, and he screamed back at the bird, “Can’t you say anything else but ‘you’re in trouble now’?”

There was a short pause, almost as if the bird was considering the question, and then it spoke:



“Sic ‘em!”

TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "Smokey the Bear"

When I was a kid, I loved Smokey the Bear. One of my dad's friends periodically called our house, and my dad would say, "It's for you." I'd get on the phone, and I'd hear this deep voice say, "Skip? This is Smokey the Bear!" That used to thrill me to no end!


To this DAY I'm still not convinced that wasn't the real Smokey.


Smokey even had his own theme song! Which I proudly present to you now...



Smokey the Bear

With a Ranger's hat and shovel 
and a pair of dungarees, 
you will find him in the forest 
always sniffin' at the breeze. 
People stop and pay attention 
when he tells 'em to beware, 
'cause ev'rybody knows that 
he's the Fire Prevention Bear. 

Chorus: 
Smokey the Bear, Smokey the Bear. 
Prowlin' and a growlin' and a sniffin' the air. 
He can find a fire before it starts to flame. 
That's why they call him Smokey, 
That was how he got his name. 

You can take a tip from Smokey 
that there's nothin' like a tree. 
'cause they're good for kids to climb in 
and they're beautiful to see, 
you just have to look around you 
and you'll find it's not a joke, 
to see what you'd be missin' 
if they all went up in smoke.

Chorus 

You can camp upon his doorstep 
and he'll make you feel at home; 
You can run and hunt and ramble 
anywhere you care to roam. 
He will let you take his honey 
and pretend he's not so smart, 
but don't you harm his trees 
for he's a Ranger in his heart.

Chorus 

If you've ever seen the forest 
when a fire is running wild, 
and you love the things within it 
like a mother loves her child, 
then you know why Smokey tells you 
when he sees you passing through, 
'Remember...please be careful.... 
its the least that you can do.' 

Chorus

All too true


I laughed way too hard at this




(via)

Monday, July 30, 2018

So *that's* what the kids are calling them these days


Killing a killer




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What a riptide looks like (and what to do if you get caught in one)

If you do get caught in a rip current, the best thing you can do is stay calm. It's not going to pull you underwater, it's just going to pull you away from shore. Do NOT try to swim back to shore against the rip current - it'll just tire you out. Instead, swim parallel to shore until you're out of the rip, and then follow breaking waves back to shore at an angle.

MONDAY MIND GAME

Which shape will follow next?














Give up?
Drag your cursor between the asterisks for the answer





*



A

The number of straight lines on each shape corresponds to the digits of Pi.

Pi = 3.141592653.....




*

A Step-By-Step Guide to Drinking Starbuck's New Unicorn Frappuccino


Happy Monday, Little Ducks!


How scientific is YOUR show?


Sunday, July 29, 2018

Is Game of Thrones back yet?





(via)

Stomach vs. Brain


Rules For My Son(s)

Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially in the end zone.

6. Request the late check-out.

7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

8. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.

9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.

10. Don’t fill up on bread.

11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.

12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.

13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.

14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.

15. You marry the girl, you marry her whole family.

16. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.

17. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.

18. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.

19. Never turn down a breath mint.

20. In a game of HORSE, sometimes a simple free throw will get ’em.

21. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.

22. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.

23. Thank a veteran. And then make it up to him.

24. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.

25. Eat lunch with the new kid.

26. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.

27. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.

28. See it on the big screen.

29. Give credit. Take the blame.

30. Write down your dreams.



(via)

I hate when this happens



(Thanks, Donovan!)

One of Life's Lessons

Calzone?




(via)

Florida Man




Saturday, July 28, 2018

Tie me kangaroo down, sport


The Unlucky Skywalker Family


Big Ben

Gerald sits down at a table at his high school reunion. It's been a while since the last one, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside him. The man is very tall, about 6'5, and his face is stretched out. As if someone was pulling his face up and down at the same time.

The man introduces himself as Ben, a childhood friend of his. Gerald remembers the name very well, but the man sitting beside him doesn't look anything like what he did in high school.

“No worries,” Ben says. “Almost no one recognizes me anymore. I used to be short and chubby, but nowadays I'm tall as a redwood and slim as a twig. This change of appearance happened in only a few months, too!”

Gerald seems a bit puzzled, so Ben tells him a bit more about what has happened in his life during this last year.

“About eight months ago me and my wife were living in a pretty unsafe neighborhood. We were fine with it since we both owned guns, and we knew what to avoid there. But the situation changed when my wife got pregnant. We didn't want to raise our child in an unsafe place, so we decided to move into a gated community. A few weeks after we made our decision, we found out that the CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, was remaking a whole neighborhood into a modern gated community to test prototypes for Tesla. A lot of people applied to get a house there, and luckily, we were accepted. The grounds are very secure, and no one but the inhabitant, authorized guests, and service people are allowed to get in. The only weird thing about living there is that we noticed that we started to stretch out a bit. When I moved there I was a bit below 5'7, but as you can see I'm much taller now. Same goes for everyone else in the area.”

“Well why don't you just leave”, asks Gerald. “It seems very weird to live in a place where you mystically stretch out when you move in.”

Ben replies, “Well, I guess that’s the price of living in an Elon-Gated community.”




(Thanks, Roger!)

This week's Moment of Zen - last night's Blood Moon...

...visible from damn near everywhere EXCEPT the USA





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