The Historic Helsinki Summit between the United States and Russia, 2018

What follows is a historic record and in-depth analysis of the much discussed US-Russia summit that took place on the 16th July 2018 in Helsinki, Finland. Above is a stock photo of flags, as required by law.

On the Sunday preceding the summit protesters pack the streets of Helsinki. This is the largest protest in Helsinki since Jaakko stole Riikka's recipe for Kaalikääryleet, causing quite the national scandal.

The plane the Russian delegation arrived on. Some drunken idiot wrote POCCHR on it and didn't even get the R the right way round. What a twat. What even is a Pocchr? OK, I'm being informed that's Russian for Russia. Makes sense.

Russian President Vladimir Putin, running late to the summit, reportedly because he was trolling NATO airspace and definitely not because he totally fucked that stewardess.

Already present, President of the United States Donald Trump kills time with Finish President Sauli Niinisto and deploys a devastating side-eye at the assembled press.

First Lady Melania Trump discusses her fashion-forward coat with Jenni Haukio, the first lady of Finland, attempting to downplay the 'Fuck Finland' slogan emblazoned on the back.

Awaiting the arrival of the Russian Delegation, President Trump kills time taking pictures with a Vladimir Putin waxwork on loan from Madame Tussauds. "It looks just like him!" he squeals, excitedly.

After encouraging others to join in it became clear not everyone shared the President's enthusiasm for the waxwork, Finnish President Sauli Niinisto was heard to remark "I told you a waxwork wasn't normal at summits. Who's fucking idea was this? I'll have his bloody job, see if I don't."

With both Presidents finally present, the two leaders stand for the ceremonial air-horn, signifying the summit is now underway.

As is tradition things begin with a handshake. Putin, exhibiting a preparedness no doubt instilled during his days in the KGB, gets a little extra purchase on the chair. Ain't nobody yanks Ol' Putin around. Ain't nobody.

The US President, ever one of the world's great intellects, takes a moment to consider his aims for the upcoming negotiations. Or he's thinking about lunch, or trying to sneak out a fart, I don't know.

Sneak attempt failed.

The two delegations settle down for lunch. Putin stares dead into the lens, exhibiting the rakish charm for which he has been voted Russia's sexiest man for the 28th year in a row.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly goes to his happy place.

Awaiting the joint press conference, Sam Husseini, an accredited Journalist for The Nation, asks if he can keep a neat sign he found.

Jerks.

The two leaders emerge from a closed door meeting, and the two exceedingly normal men prepare to take exceedingly normal questions.

Just... all very normal. Don't even worry about it.

I can only apologise for all the underwear being shot off right now.

Achieving one of his key summit aims, President Donald Trump gets a ball.

As the echo of air-horns bring the summit to a conclusion the President of the United States boards Air Force One for the journey home, where he will receive a hero's welcome.



(via)