One day, in physics class...

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?

"The professor stared at the student without saying a word.

"Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

In this week's "I-NEED-Me-One-Of-These" department...

(Thanks, Debb!)

Some things are just not acceptable

Probably the last dregs of "Random Status Updates" for the rest of the year. As far as you know.

When I die, I would like written on my tombstone, “He was a wanderer and a thinker who acquired knowledge as vast as the worlds he traveled” – instead of the more probable “We told him it wouldn’t work.”

~~~~~

Never celebrity namedrop. 

You know who told me that? Bobby DiNiro.

~~~~~      

“Take only pictures, leave only footprints” is a good rule by which to live. Sadly, the security guard at the art gallery wasn’t buying it.

~~~~~

If I were a psychic, I’d go up to random people and boast about my 100% accuracy rate. I’d close with the line, “For instance I see that YOU would never pay me S50 to give you a reading.” So either I’m still batting 1,000, or hey, 50 bucks.

~~~~~

I’m a 65 year-old man. I have a successful, professional career. I even have adult children of my own. But every time I walk down a hallway or stairwell my hand becomes an airplane navigating a difficult course.

~~~~~

I’m in no way advocating actually DOING this, however if you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth, just like a trash can.

~~~~~

I’d like to think that having a lot of money wouldn’t change me; but on the RARE occasion I’m actually winning at Monopoly, I turn into an absolutely terrible person.

~~~~~

Me: (at the Gates of Hell) “Yes, hi. I was told there was a special place for me here…?”

~~~~~

I used to think that the brain was the most important part of the body. Then I thought, well, yeah. Look who’s telling me that.

~~~~~

So, we've got a real-life crazy billionaire running for President and clowns terrorizing the streets.

Batman, we need you!

The land of Not Yet

The Rock For President, 2020

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson said, 

“I wouldn’t rule it out. It would be a great opportunity to help people, so it’s possible. This past election shows that anything can happen.”

That look when you lose your soul...

(via)

A Cat Joke

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. After the deed was done and he was arriving back home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

He finally made the decision to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered,

"Put that sonofabitch on the phone.

I'm lost and I need directions!"

THROWBACK THURSDAY - A Handy Metric Conversion Guide

Skipnote: I decided to add a new feature to the House of Chaos week. I'm calling it "Throwback Thursday," and each week will feature a post I made in the past. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances (I was a dork and erased them), none of them are any longer available online. I do this out of a sense of history, out of concern for newer readers who might not have had the benefit of my wisdom and humor as some of the others, but mostly because I'm really lazy and it'll make Thursdays easier for me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Your Benevolent Overlord,

Skip

(Originally published on January 6, 2009)

(via)

The Best Christmas Ad Ever (well, according to Marks and Spencer, anyway)