SHOC
Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Light-Fingers Larry
Light-Fingers Larry, the notorious cat burglar, was at it
again. He’d been burgling houses for most of his adult life, and had never even
been close to being caught.
All that was about to change.
It was a dark and stormy night (it really wasn’t, I’ve just
always wanted to use that phrase in a story). Larry had performed his usual
deft magic and had broken into a large, opulent house. He was just finishing up
and heading back to the window he had jimmied open when, directly in his path
of escape, was a large, snarling, black Rottweiler.
Larry froze.
The beast was snarling and baring its teeth, but made no
further moves toward him. Ever so slowly, Larry started to inch backward, but
as soon as he did, the Rottweiler’s snarls increased and he started to move
toward him. Larry froze again, and the dog continued his low, ominous growls,
but stopped moving toward him.
This time, Larry tried inching toward his left, but as soon
as he did, the dog growled louder and prepared to pounce, then toward the right
with the same result.
Larry was starting to panic when he heard a voice behind him
say, “You’re in trouble now!” Desperate, Larry said, “Please, go ahead and call
the police. I’ll give myself up peacefully. Just call the dog off!”
Again he heard, “You’re in trouble now!”
Slowly, as to not incite the beast to attack, Larry turned
his head to get a look at his tormentor. Sitting behind him on a perch was a
large Parrot.
“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”
Over and over the bird repeated the same phrase, and the
Rottweiler kept up his menacing snarls.
“You’re in trouble now!”
“You’re in trouble now!”
Finally, Light-Fingers couldn’t take it any longer, and he
screamed back at the bird, “Can’t you say anything else but ‘you’re in trouble
now’?”
There was a short pause, almost as if the bird was
considering the question, and then it spoke:
“Sic ‘em!”
TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "Smokey the Bear"
When I was a kid, I loved Smokey the Bear. One of my dad's friends periodically called our house, and my dad would say, "It's for you." I'd get on the phone, and I'd hear this deep voice say, "Skip? This is Smokey the Bear!" That used to thrill me to no end!
Smokey even had his own theme song! Which I proudly present to you now...
To this DAY I'm still not convinced that wasn't the real Smokey.
Smokey even had his own theme song! Which I proudly present to you now...
Smokey the Bear
With a Ranger's hat and shovel
and a pair of dungarees,
you will find him in the forest
always sniffin' at the breeze.
People stop and pay attention
when he tells 'em to beware,
'cause ev'rybody knows that
he's the Fire Prevention Bear.
Chorus:
Smokey the Bear, Smokey the Bear.
Prowlin' and a growlin' and a sniffin' the air.
He can find a fire before it starts to flame.
That's why they call him Smokey,
That was how he got his name.
You can take a tip from Smokey
that there's nothin' like a tree.
'cause they're good for kids to climb in
and they're beautiful to see,
you just have to look around you
and you'll find it's not a joke,
to see what you'd be missin'
if they all went up in smoke.
Chorus
You can camp upon his doorstep
and he'll make you feel at home;
You can run and hunt and ramble
anywhere you care to roam.
He will let you take his honey
and pretend he's not so smart,
but don't you harm his trees
for he's a Ranger in his heart.
Chorus
If you've ever seen the forest
when a fire is running wild,
and you love the things within it
like a mother loves her child,
then you know why Smokey tells you
when he sees you passing through,
'Remember...please be careful....
its the least that you can do.'
Chorus
Monday, July 30, 2018
What a riptide looks like (and what to do if you get caught in one)
MONDAY MIND GAME
Which shape will follow next?
Give up?
Drag your cursor between the asterisks for the answer
*
A
The number of straight lines on each shape corresponds to the digits of Pi.
Pi = 3.141592653.....
The number of straight lines on each shape corresponds to the digits of Pi.
Pi = 3.141592653.....
*
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Rules For My Son(s)
Rules For My Son
1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.
3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially in the end zone.
6. Request the late check-out.
7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
8. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
10. Don’t fill up on bread.
11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.
12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
15. You marry the girl, you marry her whole family.
16. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
17. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
18. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
19. Never turn down a breath mint.
20. In a game of HORSE, sometimes a simple free throw will get ’em.
21. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
22. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
23. Thank a veteran. And then make it up to him.
24. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.
25. Eat lunch with the new kid.
26. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
27. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
28. See it on the big screen.
29. Give credit. Take the blame.
30. Write down your dreams.
(via)
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Big Ben
Gerald sits down at a table
at his high school reunion. It's been a while since the last one, and he
can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.
Suddenly another guy sits
down beside him. The man is very tall, about 6'5, and his face is stretched
out. As if someone was pulling his face up and down at the same time.
The man introduces himself
as Ben, a childhood friend of his. Gerald remembers the name very well, but the
man sitting beside him doesn't look anything like what he did in high school.
“No worries,” Ben says.
“Almost no one recognizes me anymore. I used to be short and chubby, but
nowadays I'm tall as a redwood and slim as a twig. This change of appearance
happened in only a few months, too!”
Gerald seems a bit puzzled,
so Ben tells him a bit more about what has happened in his life during this last
year.
“About eight months ago me
and my wife were living in a pretty unsafe neighborhood. We were fine with it since we
both owned guns, and we knew what to avoid there. But the situation changed when my wife
got pregnant. We didn't want to raise our child in an unsafe place, so we
decided to move into a gated community. A few weeks after we made our decision, we found out that the CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, was remaking a whole
neighborhood into a modern gated community to test prototypes for Tesla. A lot
of people applied to get a house there, and luckily, we were accepted. The
grounds are very secure, and no one but the inhabitant, authorized guests, and service people are allowed to get in. The only weird thing about living there is that we noticed that
we started to stretch out a bit. When I moved there I was a bit below 5'7, but
as you can see I'm much taller now. Same goes for everyone else in the area.”
“Well why don't you just
leave”, asks Gerald. “It seems very weird to live in a place where you
mystically stretch out when you move in.”
Ben replies, “Well, I guess
that’s the price of living in an Elon-Gated community.”
(Thanks, Roger!)
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