The best response to a telemarketer, EVER

My friend is always getting calls from telemarketers. This is what he does:

Them: Hello, sir. Would you be willing to take a short study?

Me:  Absolutely! We here at Evermoon Consulting are always ready to provide opinion-based data to our clients!

Them: Um… okay…  The survey just takes 5 minutes and when finished you are entered into a drawing to win a 3-day vacation to Cancun.

Me:  Our usual remuneration per our standard service agreement is all that’s required. However, please be aware that our lowest billable period is one hour, and this call will be billed for an hour of service even if only five minutes is used.

Them: No sir, this will only take five minutes, not an hour.

Me:  I understand, however your firm will still be billed the minimum hour as per our services agreements. That comes to $225. How would you like to take care of this today? Do you have billing set up with us already? If so, I just need the corporate code for your company.

Them: I don’t have that…

Me:  That’s all right, sir. We can set this up on a company credit card for a small fee. Your new total will be $257.98. Go ahead and give me the credit card number, sir.

Them: We aren’t paying $257 for this!

Me:  Oh, you know what? You are absolutely right, sir! We are speaking after 6pm CDT, so we are in “Premium Time.” Your total will be $517.54. Thank you for reminding me.

Them: What?! The law says we can call until 9pm.

Me:  Evermoon Consulting prides itself on meeting our customer’s needs 24 hours a day, but between 6pm and 6am is Premium Time. I’m ready for that credit card number.

Them: Look, I didn’t call you, a computer did.

Me:  Oh, I see.

Them: So can we just get to the survey?

Me:  Yes, but I will have to add our auto-dialer. With that fee, your new total is $759.99. What are the first four digits of the card you would like us to use, please?

Them: Hold on for my supervisor, please.

Me:  Okay.

Supervisor: Hello, sir. I understand there is a problem?

Me:  No sir. Your total charges for Premium Time consulting, auto-dialer charge, supervisor respondent fee and credit card processing is $1163.67

Supervisor: For what?!

Me:  Consulting on your survey of course. What method of payment will you be using today?

*click*

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