Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten. Except what to do with pliers, a blowtorch, and fire ants once Peter Stewart, the school bully, was hog-tied in the boiler room.
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It’s important to remember that we, as a species, made our debut onto the galactic stage by sending unsolicited nudes, a mixtape, and directions back to our place.
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Do ever feel like your body’s “Check Engine” light has been on for a while, but you’re still driving it like, “Nah, it’ll be fine”?
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The past tense of William Shakespeare would be Wouldiwas Shookspeared.
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Do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower, because DAM!
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I once knew a woman who thought she’d found the best desert nomad in the world until she met a Bedouin.
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So if ocean pollution continues at the present rate, it won’t be long before we’re going to have to change the phrase, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” to something like, “There’s still a few fish left among all the trash.” Which, now that I think about it, is quite a bit more accurate when it comes to dating.
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HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: (silently chews for 3 minutes, and then finally swallows) First of all, I don’t appreciate your accusations.
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They say any publicity is good publicity, so I guess I shouldn’t complain, but I can’t help feeling just a little insulted. And confused. I always thought those “Worst Dressed” lists were limited to *famous* people.
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Wait a sec… Tom Cruise has succeeded something like six times in a row. Why do they still think these missions are impossible?
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