(From the Weekly Weep)

NASA Rejection Letter

Alex Falcone

You may recall that back in March, NASA accepted applications to their 2021 class of astronauts. I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a small child, so I couldn’t wait to apply. Sadly, I received bad news this week that my application was not accepted. I’ve posted the entire rejection letter here in hopes of saving others from the heartbreak of trying to live your dreams.

Don’t shoot for the stars because if you miss, you float aimlessly into the cold, dark void until you suffocate.

Dear Alexander,

We regret to inform you that your application to our Astronaut candidate program does not meet our stated qualifications. We normally do not write a detailed response to applications of this type, but there were a few matters you raised in your application that we believe need to be addressed. 

First and most importantly, you do not meet the minimum requirement of “a Master’s degree or higher in a relevant field.” According to your application, you “have seen Masters of the Universe and think that should count.” It does not.

To be generous, we looked over your provided transcripts and it seems you haven’t taken a science class since 10th grade chemistry, in which you received a C+., You even took the time to note that your teacher that year was an idiot, and that doesn’t help your case with us. As a personal note, I’d like to suggest that it’s not healthy for a person of your age to still take the time to settle scores with high school teachers, but that’s beyond the scope of this letter.

In the section for other relevant skills, you only said that you enjoyed the scene in Apollo 13 where they “made a fucked up air filter out of socks” — which is not what happened — and that you “liked space Legos almost as much as the pirate Legos” as a kid. Why would you specifically mention LEGO if the space one wasn’t even your favorite? That doesn’t make sense. Perhaps you can apply to be a pirate.

It was completely unnecessary of you to include a list in the margins of your application with “reasons to pick me over those nerds,” since the purpose of the application was precisely to show us why we should hire you and also the very people who are reading this are “those nerds.” Even still, your reasons were particularly unpersuasive. In future applications to any employer, we advise you to refrain from mentioning that you “have always wanted to poop into a vacuum cleaner.”

As for your physical qualifications. While we no longer require pilot experience, your request that you “always sit in the front seat because I get a little motion sick” does not instill confidence.

You used a whole section to order food? Seriously???

NOTE: I have been instructed to notify you that we do carry “astronaut ice cream” in all our gift shops AND ONLINE. Since that was “90% of the reason” you’re applying, perhaps you can satisfy yourself that way.

Lastly, we have read your supplemental page of questions for us, and while this is also not standard procedure, out of an abundance of generosity have decided to answer some of them. 

1. No, astronauts do not currently get a “plus one” to the moon.

2. Yes, you would be required to notify your wife if you were going to the moon. I’m sorry she “is a worrier.”

3. No, we would never agree to your request for “no meetings before noon.”

4. We have no idea what you mean by “does riding a rocket feel similar to riding a washing machine.” Sorry.

5. Yes, we are sure there is only one moon.

6. No, we do not need your suggestions for new names for our administration. And anyway, “We’re Space Ninjas So Suck On That, Russia” doesn’t fit current government naming guidelines.

7. No, we would not be personally hurt if you apply to the Russian space program at the same time. Good luck with that. 

8. We cannot and will not respond to the question “can I still jerk it up there?”

Although we do not have a position to offer you and would appreciate it if you don’t apply again, we appreciate you taking the time. We hope your passion for the industry finds a good (and safe) outlet.

Regards,

LT Benjamin ParadiseSenior HR ManagerNational Aeronautics and Space Administration