So long, 2016. It's been a helluva year.

Yikes, and away

I'm staying up.

(via)

Show of hands... how many of you are going to usher in 2017 like this tonight?

What the hell DOES "Auld Lang Syne" actually MEAN???

Auld Lang Syne

We sing it every year (well, the first verse, anyway) at the stroke of midnight of the New Year. But what, exactly, does the Scots poem written by Robert Burns (just make sure you r-r-roll your R-r-r-r's when you say his name: "R-r-r-robert Bur-r-r-rns") and set to the tune of a traditional folk song actually mean?

I'm so glad you asked...

Auld Lang Syne

Lyrics 

by Robert Burns (1788)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And days of auld lang syne?

Chorus: 

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pu'd the gowans fine,

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit

Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl't in the burn

Frae morning sun till dine,

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,

And gie's a hand o' thine,

And we'll tak a right guid willie-waught

For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint' stowp,

And surely I'll be mine,

And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne!

~~~

Translation

Should old acquaintances be forgotten,

And never brought to mind?

Should old acquaintances be forgotten,

And days of long ago!

Chorus:

For old long ago, my dear

For old long ago,

We will take a cup of kindness yet

For old long ago.

We two have run about the hillsides

And pulled the daisies fine,

But we have wandered many a weary foot

For old long ago.

We two have paddled (waded) in the stream

From noon until dinner time,

But seas between us broad have roared

Since old long ago.

And there is a hand, my trusty friend,

And give us a hand of yours,

And we will take a goodwill draught (of ale)

For old long ago!

And surely you will pay for your pint,

And surely I will pay for mine!

And we will take a cup of kindness yet

For old long ago!

Absolutely, positively, without a DOUBT the Last Sign Dump of the Year (16.8)

Three Simple Rules for 2017

It's the hap-happiest time, of the year

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Dear 2017...

Bald is, indeed, beautiful.

God gave every man just so much testosterone.

Some of them waste theirs on growing hair.

Long before I, myself, became bald as an eagle, I knew this OTHER bald guy who, unfortunately, used to be very self-conscious about it. This dude tried everything to feel better: hair-transplants, wigs, always wearing a hat. You name it, he tried it. But nothing seemed to help him cover up the fact that he was, indeed, bald.

But the last time I saw him he was happy and wasn't trying to hide his baldness whatsoever. However... he had tattooed a bunch of bunny rabbits on his scalp. 

Curious, I asked him, I said, "Jimmy me lad, why have you tattooed a bunch of bunny rabbits on you head?" And he says to me, he says, "Ah, you got a good eye there, Skipper! You can see that they are, indeed, bunny rabbits. But most people don't know the difference, so they'd say they look like hares."

Valar lacrimhulis

Me, trying to escape 2016

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Rest in Peace, Carrie Fisher

You can never have too many asparagus jokes

Three spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and –BAM- gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying.

His two friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12-hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"Well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."