TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "If You Were Gay" from Avenue Q

"If You Were Gay"

from Avenue Q

[ROD:]

Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway 
Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?

[NICKY:]

Oh,hi Rod!

[ROD:]

Hi Nicky

[NICKY:]

Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning! This guy was smiling at me and talking to me…

[ROD:]

That's very interesting

[NICKY:]

He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me! I think he might've thought I was gay!

[ROD:]

Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?

Why should I care?

I don't care

What did you have for lunch today?

[NICKY:]

Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod.

[ROD:]

I'm NOT getting defensive!

What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?

I'm trying to read.

[NICKY:]

Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about

[ROD:]

I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

[NICKY:]

Yeah, but

[ROD:]

OVER!!!

[NICKY:]

Well, okay, but just so you know…

If you were gay

That'd be okay

I mean cause, hey

I'd like you anyway

Because you see

If it were me

I would feel free

To say that i was gay

(But i'm not gay.)

[ROD:]

Nicky, please!

I am trying to read

What?!

[NICKY:]

If you were queer

[ROD:]

Ah, Nicky!

[NICKY:]

I'd still be here

[ROD:]

Nicky, I'm trying to read this book

[NICKY:]

Year after year

[ROD:]

Nicky!

[NICKY:]

Because you're dear

To me

[ROD:]

Argh!

[NICKY:]

And I know that you

[ROD:]

What?

[NICKY:]

Would accept me too

[ROD:]

I would?

[NICKY:]

If i told you today

"Hey! Guess what

I'm gay!"

(But i'm not gay.)

I'm happy

Just being with you

[ROD:]

High Button Shoes, Pal Joey

[NICKY:]

So what should it

Matter to me

What you do in bed

With guys?

[ROD:]

Nicky, that's GROSS!

[NICKY:]

No, it's not!

If you were gay

I'd shout hooray!

[ROD:]

I am not listening!

[NICKY:]

And here I'd stay

[ROD:]

La la la la la!

[NICKY:]

But i wouldn't get

In your way

[ROD:]

Aaaah!

[NICKY:]

You can count on me

To always be

Beside you every day

To tell you it's okay

You were just born

That way

And, as they say

It's in your DNA

You're gay!

[ROD:]

But I'm not gay

[NICKY:]

If you were gay

[ROD:]

Argh!