EUPHEMISMS FOR STUPIDITY
24 cents short of a quarter
500 sheets short of a ream
A beer short of a six-pack
A brick short of a load
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen
A couple of gallons short of a full tank
A few ants short of a picnic
A few beers short of a six-pack
A few bobs short of a pound
A few bricks short of a pile
A few bricks short of a wall
A few cards short of a deck
A few cards short of a deck
A few cents short of a dollar
A few clowns short of a circus
A few coals short of a barbecue
A few feathers short of a whole duck
A few floors short of the Penthouse
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few genes short of a human
A few holes in his screen door
A few hors d'oeuvres shy of a party
A few pages shy of a short story
A few papers shy of a news rack
A few peas short of a casserole
A few planets short of a Federation
A few sandwiches short of a picnic basket
A few sheep short of an orgy
A few shelves missing from her library
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce
A few trucks short of a convoy
A few votes shy of a quorum
A few watts shy of a nightlight
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner
A pepperoni short of a pizza
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
A photographic memory, but forgot to load the film
A queen shy of an anthill
A safe distance from genius
A sandwich short of a picnic
A taco short of a combination plate
A Tonic-and-Bitters, hold the Tonic
About a quart low
About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb.
About as deep as a saucer of milk
About as deep as a thumb-tack
About as sharp as a marble
About as sharp as a thimble
About as useful as a chocolate fireguard
Ah say, that boy reminds me of Paul Revere’s ride; a little
light in the belfry
All foam, no beer
All his brain's marked "farm-fresh"
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
Answers to "Moo"
Antenna's pointing the wrong way
As aware as a bear in winter
As fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter
As keen as a vegetable
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle
As much use as Stevie Wonder at a beauty contest
As quick as a stationary bicycle
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
As smart as bait
As useful as a hole in a boat
As useful as a screen door on a submarine
As useful as a wooden frying pan
As useful as tits on a bull
At least one Brady short of a Bunch
Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
Big like ox, smart like tractor
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Body by God, Mind by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December
Can’t remember where she lives
Chimney's clogged
Couldn't find a parking space in an empty lot
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice
Doesn’t have both oars in the water
Donated his body to science before he was done using it
Driving without keys
Duh! on parade
Dumb as a corncob
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a bag of hammers
Dumber than a bag of rocks
Dumber than a box of hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Fell out of the family tree
Flunked nursery school
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming
Gets lost at home
Gets lost counting on her fingers
Goes surfing in Nebraska
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching
Gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than a normal ignoramus
Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Has delusions of adequacy
Has two brains, one’s lost and the other is out looking for
it
Having an intelligence rivaled only by garden tools
He doesn't have all the chairs around the table
He donated his brain to science. Science sent it back
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the
way down
He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool.
He had all his bricks, just forgot to pull the permit
He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled
egg.
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart
He only has one oar in the water
He played too much without a helmet
He plays hockey with a warped puck
He rode the short bus to school
He'd forget to drown
He's a T-1 line of pure stupid
He's firing on all six neurons
He's got a leak in his think-tank
He's got a mind like a steel sieve
He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He's not the brightest crayon in the box
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He's so dense light bends around him
He's so dumb he couldn't pour the water out of a boot if the
instructions were on the heel
He’s got a leak in his think-tank
He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut
He’s got a mind like a steel trap: sprung once and it’s all
over
He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He’s so dense light bends around him
Her sewing machine's out of thread
Her shoelaces are tied together
Her Slinky's kinked
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
His book's missing a few pages
His bread ain't done
His car has left the highway
His cheese has slipped off his cracker
His dog keeps him on a short leash
His forehead's a beginner's slope
His IQ is almost in double digits
His picture's in the dictionary next to "dumb"
His porch light ain’t on
His train's missing an engineer
His yeast went bad
I say, that boy is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build
an idiot
If brains were chocolate – he wouldn’t have enough to fill
an M&M
If brains were dynamite – he wouldn’t have enough to blow
his nose
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his
hat off
If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a
fruit loop
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a
week
If her brain were a car, you'd beat it walking
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change
back
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean
In a roomful of chimps he'd be the last to escape
Is bilingual: English and grunting
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders
Isn’t firing on all thrusters
It’s hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other
sperm
Just a couple molecules shy of his first brain cell
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock
Keeps her brain in mint condition
Last night was warmer than her IQ
Like a pair of children’s scissors; bright and colorful, but
not too sharp
Microscopes still search for her brain
Million-dollar body and a 2-dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
Mind like a rubber bear trap
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
Missing a few keys from the keyboard
Missing a few links in the chain
Missing a few tracks on his CD
Missing the hamburger from the Hamburger Helper
More confused than traffic in Hong Kong
More vegetable than protein
Needing a few screws tightened
Needs a "Restart" button
No grain in the silo
Not enough film in the camera
Not enough fuel in his pilot light
Not enough runway for takeoff
Not firing with all spark plugs
Not running on all cylinders
Not the brightest light in the harbor
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
Not the brightest star in the sky
Not the cleanest toilet in the bathroom
Not the fastest horse in the race
Not the funniest clown in the circus
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Not the sharpest tack in the box
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
Not wired to code
Off his rocker
On days off, he laughs at jokes told at work
On/off switch is broken in the off position
One accordion short of a polka band
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One Gilligan short of an island
One neuron short of a synapse
One pickle short of a barrel
One step short of a flight (of stairs)
One taco short of a combination plate
One tit short of an udder
One turbine short of an airplane
One turbine short of an airplane
One twist short of a slinky
One vote short of an overall majority
One wheel short of a unicycle
One wheel's in the sand
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests
Plug him in and nothing happens
Prime candidate for natural de-selection
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Put him on a football field and he grazes
Receiver is off the hook
Requires directions to lay sod
Room temperature IQ
Routinely outsmarted by cheese
Running about a quart low
Running on empty
Scientists use his head as a perfect vacuum
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to
achieve them
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Sharp as a bowling ball
Sharp as a donut
She is so dumb, she couldn’t tell which way an elevator was
going if she had two guesses
She is so dumb, when I asked her to pass the plate, she
said: “Upper or lower”
She might drown in a puddle
She'd trade up, but can't get anything for her old brain
She's like a clock that's right twice a day
She's missing a battery in her flashlight
She's not tied too tight to the pier
She’s missing a few clubs from her golf bag
She’s not tied too tight to the pier
Skylight leaks a little
Slinky's kinked
So dense, light bends around him
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge but he just
gargled
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot
Spits out his gum before walking
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean
Still cutting with rounded scissors
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Surfing in Nebraska
T-minus dumb and counting
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Tends to scratch his armpits and eat bananas
The butter has slipped off his pancake
The cheese slid off his cracker
The elevator is stuck between floors.
The lights are flashing, the gate is down, but the train
isn’t coming
The lights are on, but nobody is home.
The starting gate is open, but he's still asking directions
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead
There's nothing in the attic but cobwebs
Thinks Jar-Jar Binks is a genius
Three experts short of an antitrust suit
Three-time Darwin Award winner
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window
Too many brownouts in her power grid
Too much yardage between the goal posts
Twelve shy of a dozen
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby
When he writes his name, his lips move
When she sneezes, her head collapses
When the ear doc looks in his ear, he sees the far wall
When your I.Q. rises to 28, sell
Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle.
You can’t call him an idiot; you’ll insult all the idiots in
the world
You have splinters in the Windmills of Your Mind
Your words echo out of his ears
You’re the flower of my life (you blooming idiot)
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