Disciplinary Letter

For those of you with crappy vision, here's what it says:

ATT: David Thorne

RE: Employee Formal Notice

DATE: October 13, 2012

This correspondence is to notify you that a complaint made against you on Oct 19, 2012 by Simon Dempsey has been discussed in a meeting of department heads who agree a formal notice is warranted. This notice covers additional complaints filed by Simon on September 12 and 14 and October 9 and 16.

We appreciate the creative department has its own way of doing things that are rarely in-line with company procedures, and as such you’re given a lot of leeway. Unfortunately, in this instance Simon has filed an F– 26B with his complaint so we are obligated to act on his complaints as per head office policy.

1.    At no time are you permitted to change the thermostat settings in Simons office.
 
2.    At no time are you permitted to pretend to be Simon Dempsey while answering the telephone. This includes both internal and outside calls. If Simon is absent from his desk, you are also not to answer his phone I’m making cat noises. All calls are to be answered any professional manner. In addition, at no time are you permitted to send or reply to emails under Simons name where order items using Simons online accounts. You will pay all return shipping fees or the 36 boxes of Kleenex and a vibrating seat cushion. 

 3.    At no time are you permitted to dance in Simons office. Please be mindful of the needs of others to work without interruption or distraction. This includes dancing past Simons door, dancing in your office when he can see you from his desk, and sending Simon videos of you dancing. While there is no company policy against dancing, it would be preferred that this activity was kept to break areas away from others entering company functions where appropriate. In addition, at no time are you permitted to call Simon’s mobile phone from your office and hang up just as he answers it. Due to the frequency of this occurring, is clearly not the case that you forgot what you were calling him for. 

 4.    At no time are you permitted to glue anything to, on, or near Simons desk. This includes both company and personal items. Spray adhesive is to be used only in the spray booth with the vacuum activated, not near Simon’s desk or monitor. The ceramic giraffe and sea shells that are permanently attached to Simon’s desk with superglue are to be removed. 

 5.     At no time is Simon to be referred to by any name but his own. All references to Bob the badger, Mr. Bobby head and Signor Bob, including those on the company website, are to be changed back. In addition, at no time are you permitted to take photos of Simon without his permission. All photos of Simon on the wall of your office with pieces of string leading to photos of murder victims are to be removed and the photo on the company website of Simon eating a hot dog is to be replaced with Simons original staff photograph.

Sincerely

Jennifer

Human Resources Manager

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