El Paso (Redux)

(For the background and inspiration for this song, click here)

El Paso

(The Sewage Song)

(With apologies to Marty Robbins)

Out in the west Texas town of El Paso

If you get thirsty, you’ll get a surprise

Water from sewage is treated then served there

What comes out later you’ll not recognize

Climate change drought makes this task necessary

“But it’s fake news” Mr. Trump still contends

I’d love to see him consume this fake water

Then we could watch it spew out from both ends

I must stay close to the lavatory

Clenching my cheeks as I run…

I sit my butt down and ease off the clampdown

The pressure relieves but I’ve gassed everyone.

So I reach for the big roll of TP that should be a-hangin’

To my chagrin there are just three squares left

I do my business the best that I’m able

It’s not enough and I’m feeling bereft.

Just for a moment I stood there in silence

Shocked by the foul, evil stench in the stall

I yanked my pants up and zipped up the zipper

And shot out of there like a big cannonball.

I started cursing this West Texas town

Who made this terrible plan?

The pressure’s increasing, my insides are greasing

It’s like I’m living in rural Sudan.

Just as fast as I could I turned back to that old lavatory

Back through that gross noxious cloud of disgust. 

Back on the toilet I sit there just pushing

Grunting and groaning but still it goes on

It’s been so long since I’ve been in this bathroom

I swear they could smell it in Saskatchewan

I finish up and by hind end I clean

It’s a literal pain in my ass

With each wipe of TP I scream like a banshee

It feels like I’m wiping across broken glass

And at last here’s the last of the clean up

I’m finally finished

I flush and I reach for my trousers below

I pull my jeans up and buckle my belt up

Out of this stall to the fresh air I go.

Four or five steps

Was the farthest I traveled

But the bubble starts forming deep down below

Clamping and clenching I do a 180

My intestines are cursed with a turbulent flow

Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel

My sphincter about to release

I might not make it, though I can’t take it

Please lock me up for disturbing the peace

But I fin-ally reach the bathroom door

And push back inside there

All of the stalls seem to be occupied

Hopping from one foot then back to the other

I don’t care if I look undignified

I feel my insides beginning to rumble

Just then a door opens and I take heart

Back on the toilet I’m able to release

One little pop, but this one’s just a fart.