Jokes, Puns, and One-Liners

It seems to me that Trojan is a terrible name for a brand of condoms. It’s basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, then broke open so a thousand little guys could pour out and screw up everybody’s day.

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The idea that the “ideal beach body” means being thin or buff is completely unimaginative. I’m thinking the idea beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak, and a sand-repellant anus.

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I understand that the Beatles did a lot of drugs. Which, I suppose, explains letting Ringo into the group.

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Caddis fly larva gather tiny stones, which they then glue together into a pouch-like home that they carry with them everywhere. Sometimes, the marvels of Nature just makes you want to say: "Crazy, stupid little bastards!

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If I could be anyone in history, I'd want to be Alexander Graham Bell's assistant, Thomas Watson. That way, when Bell made that historic first phone call and uttered his famous words, "Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you," I could have said, "May I ask who's calling?"

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I think the real reason Luke never went camping with Darth Vader was the annoying snoring.

Who could get to sleep with *that* next to them?

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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.

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Jesus at the Last Supper

Jesus: My disciples, one of you will betray me.
Matthew: Is it me, Jesus?
Jesus: No Matthew, it is not you
John: Is it me, Jesus?
Jesus: No John, it is not you.
Judas: Is it me, Jesus?
Jesus: iS iT mE, jEsUs???

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This little piggy est allé au marché,
This little piggy resté à la maison,
This little piggy avait du rôti de bœuf
This little piggy ne mange rien
And this little piggy went “Oui! Oui! Oui!” all the way home

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A new study shows that some people actually spend more money on coffee than they spend on their own children.

How do they SLEEP at night?