Jokes, Puns, and One-Liners

Jesus said, “I am the Way.”
The people said, “No way!”
And Jesus said, “Yaweh.”

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A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car. Luckily a passing soldier notices her and assures her he can help. He then proceeds to take of his pants, wad them up, and rub them against the car handle. Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.

“That was amazing!” the woman says. “How did you do that?”

“Well, it’s simple,” the soldier replies. “These are my khakis.”

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FATHER: “Son, your mother and I have decided it’s time to tell you you’re adopted.”

SON: “That’s okay, father! I’ll love you and mom no matter what.”

FATHER: “Good to hear. No go pack your bags. Your new parents are picking you up in an hour.”

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Steve Jobs would’ve been a much better President than Donald Trump.

But it’s a silly comparison – like apples and oranges.

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A vegan told me, “People who sell meat are gross!”

I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

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I used to sell home security alarms door-to-door, and I was really quite good at it.

If no one was home, I’d just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.
It’s open Mike night.

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Why is every gender equality officer female?
It’s cheaper.

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My grandfather was caught drilling holes in his floor to peep on his neighbors.

I like to think he’s still up there somewhere, looking down on us.

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My ex left me because she said I was addicted to buying brake fluid.

That’s ridiculous. I can stop any time I want.