It occurred to me that, with the rise of all these self-driving
vehicles, eventually there’ll be a country song about how your truck left you,
too.
~~~~~
My favorite childhood memory?
Not paying bills.
~~~~~
1963 Jr. High School me (learning about ancient
Rome): How could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2019 me: Oh.
~~~~~
Has anyone else ever wanted to go into a bookstore
or library and ask, “Do you have a book on how to deal with rejection without
getting violently angry?”
I’m asking for a friend.
~~~~~
I’ve been trying for weeks now to convince Marlee
Matlin of my undying love for her, but my pleadings have been falling on… well,
you know.
~~~~~
Musicians are all up in arms because all
of their songs are being downloaded for free on the Internet. But I'd like to
point out that it takes me *hours* to download those songs, and nobody's
compensating me for *my* time. Well, actually they are because I do it at work,
but you know what I mean.
~~~~~
Adulthood is completely understanding why Britney
Spears shaved her head
~~~~~
To the lady at Costco who had her kid on a leash: I
apologize for asking if he was a rescue.
The profanity wasn’t necessary, but I want to thank
you for not siccing him on me.
~~~~~
I try to find the good in every situation.
Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.”
I try to find the food in every situation.
~~~~~
I just now realized that I never said “unquote”
after reciting a famous poem in Mrs. Sebesta’s 10th grade English
class, so I want to apologize if you’ve been thinking that everything I’ve said
since then is from Shakespeare.
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